tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62263793846437531012024-03-06T06:20:47.395+05:30Aspire de desire to Acquire de desire tht u AdmireFollow me as I tweet it out at <a href="http://twitter.com/SuddenCraze">SuddenCraze</a>Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.comBlogger232125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-23410583367772531172019-02-03T00:23:00.001+05:302019-03-08T01:21:05.996+05:30Genesis 1:1<p dir="ltr">In the begining God created the heaven and the earth.. the most famous verse in the most published book on this planet. The first verse that I had read and the only one I remembered at all times. But the book that chronicles the creation of this planet throws up more questions that it answers. The most pressing of it, when God created male and female for all the other organisms that walked, crawled,  swam or flew why did He just create one man? Was His intention never to let man procreate? Did He want Himself to be enough for that human life? If so, what does man's want for a partner, which finally led God to create the woman, mean? The pang of loneliness that hit him when all the creatures were off minding their own lives? The need for a physical touch, the need to feel something real, the unspoken fact that God was never enough? <br>
But did the creation of woman completely relieve his problems? Didn't it on the contrary open another totally unforeseen wormhole from which there was no return? So was God right to not initially give Man what he finally asked for? And was God right to give what was asked, knowing fully well what it would lead to? After all he is the all-knowing one. Or was it that knowing what the creation of a woman would lead to, he had avoided doing that on His own accord, knowing that Man would ultimately ask for it. Thus absolving Himself from any guilt of being the source of the creation of trouble.<br>
So.. is anything we ask something we should not be asking since by getting it we might subject ourselves to worse pain. Since every good thing that should have happened was already in the process by God's plan? Is our every request a flutter of the butterfly's wings?</p>
Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-78523114115330663222016-03-21T10:54:00.000+05:302016-03-21T10:54:39.697+05:30The show must go on.The human being's capability to get over something, anything never ceases to amaze me. The speed with which they can pull themselves up, dust and move on, while differing from person to person, finally does happen in all. It just reinforces my belief that anyone and everyone can go through anything that they have to, if they only give it their all. And in some cases, they just don't have to give it anything, just act blind and numb and it passes off on its own.Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-55712870877336115472015-08-04T11:58:00.000+05:302016-03-21T10:55:23.507+05:30Loaned and alone<i>We aren't who we want to be. We are what the society demands. We are what our parents choose. We don't want to disappoint anyone, we have a great need to be loved. So we smother the best in us. Gradually, the light of our dreams turns into the monster of our nightmares. They become things not done, possibilities not lived.</i><br />
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<i>-Adultery, Paulo Coehlo</i>
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She woke up in the morning and looked around. Nothing had changed. The colors on the wall, the table at the side, the wooden cupboard so carefully designed and built, the wine red curtains softly caressing the window sill. She smiled, like always. A thin lifeless smile. It was the same things she had seen as she closed her eyelids last night. There was no waking up from this dream.<br />
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Maybe that's what she had always hoped for. That one fine day she would wake and things would change, drastically. But then, little did she know that the world was as boring as it gets, nothing happens here unless you make it happen. That this wasn't a fairy tale, where one fine morning fairy godmother appears and grants wishes or removes problems with a swish of a wand. Oh, how much she hoped it was. And she blamed them for making her believe, for making her hope, for making her dream.</div>
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Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-14569104881214765932014-06-19T23:44:00.001+05:302016-01-05T09:55:08.812+05:30What did I do for you to love me thus?You forgave me with total disregard to the treatment I meted out to You, You loved me while I was filled with hate, You cared for me when all I could give was apathy, You protected me while I surrounded myself with negligence, You comforted me when all I did was rebel, You yearned for me when what I wanted was separation. But I just kept running, far far away, through long winding tunnels, unknown fields, black waters, till my legs could run no more, till my strength drained me. But the road still kept going on. It just didn't seem to end. And when I looked back, You were still waiting where I left You, arms wide open, ready to embrace me the minute I rushed back, no matter when that was. You were waiting with a smile, which told me it was alright, which had already forgiven me even before I turned to look.<br />
And I turn that foot towards your side, ready to come back, but I see that I've run too far. There are so many stones that have cut my feet, there have been many a thorn which have pierced my veins, pushing their venom deep inside. I want to rush back into Your arms, I want to feel safe in Your embrace again, but this girl who comes back is not the same one who left. So much has changed and I wonder if I would be able to love You the same way again. In the way I believed. That no one could love You as much as I did.
But then I don't know if I can ever love anyone as much as I did You. It sometimes seems incredulous, that I could feel so much for someone I had never seen before. But I know I did and I also know its difficult to feel that for someone else again. Not that I want to, but then I regret more that I wont be able to do it for someone who really does deserve it. Will I ever be able to love You the way You did me? Unconditional, unwavering and diligent. Will I ever be able to come back to You, the way I left?Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-84626679091357364872014-06-14T23:20:00.005+05:302014-06-14T23:20:51.165+05:30To make you feel one day, the way you make me feel everyday..Special, blessed and proud.Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-91715063694276149892014-03-05T20:50:00.000+05:302014-04-10T10:02:39.327+05:30Politics and religion<p dir="ltr"><u>God</u>..<br>
That was a word which was a part of my life every day, an average of at least ten times each day, in some form or the other. And coming from a family that would rather miss breakfast than a Sunday service, I ended up being deeply involved in my church and its associations. At times too deeply that before I even got to pass my SSLC, I got to see the grey shades of a church its members swore by. And despite its colours I found myself more endeared towards it. After all the blood that coursed my veins(and arteries) was heavily mixed the <i>suriani</i><i> </i><i>christiani</i><i> </i>spirit. Ohh, ur a catholic? "No!!!". A protestant. "Oh please no!". Then? What else is there? "I'm an eastern orthodox". A what?<br>
I come from a sect based out of Kerala perched on the western edge of India where every religion has multiple divisions. That is how religions survive in this country, by subdividing and re-dividing based on the cultural differences governing each state, each region. Each sect traces back their roots to the dinosaurs.. at least they try to; and when that fails at least to the dark ages or bright sages! <br>
Mine doesn't do all that. We accept that we are quite recent, after Christ(anno<i> </i><i>domini</i>), and that our ancestors were actually brahmins(so there, we are Hindu descendants, but hey brahmin ok!), and we aren't really interested in expansion(we are struggling to keep our remaining folk with ourselves so where's the talk about expansion). But then, can any good come from Nazareth? So, of course, our claim is that we were directly baptised by St. Thomas himself, so u see, we are called the St. Thomas Christians. Or in more official terms, I am a member of the Malankara Syrian Orthodox Church. With a history that is as rich, colourful and diverse as our name itself. So there, in a short and sweet way, is the basic history lesson that I have got used to parroting every time someone goes "Ohh ur a catholic?". Please, not again! <br>
Long back a friend asked me whether I was religious and I told him I was more spiritual. Recently another asked me the same question and I was confused. Not because I was not spiritual, that had only increased, but because I was also religious but in a different way. I was politically religious. I'm not even sure if that term is a fabrication of my own, but its a term that can be associated with a lot of people of my church. We are all politically religious. We are more involved in the politics of the church rather than its spiritual aspect. We love to revel in the posts and associations set up around the church more to show our leadership skills rather than for the growth of the church. And like all hard core keralites we love power. We love to be in control, not under control. But what we forget is that, to be in control we eventually have to be under control of someone. Unless we own the whole thing. Which being a religious institution we can't. God owns it. Even saying that sounds funny. But well ya, like it was shown in a not-so-recent Bollywood movie, God owns all of it. Oh My God!</p>
Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-82070191168809086562013-07-02T16:24:00.001+05:302015-08-20T16:36:40.346+05:30Revelations 2013It's easy to smile when you're future is not really clear. It's easier when you all your beliefs point towards good times. It's easiest when you for sure know it's going to be awesome. But what when your heart shouts out loud that it's going to be downhill, that things might just get worse, though its still uncertain you don't seem to see any flicker of a hope of good times? I guess then you're allowed to feel down and depressed, you're allowed to sound like a different person, you're allowed to act weird and closed.. after all it's your life that seems so bleak.<br />
<br />
But does that mean you forever stay that way? When that happens it is a shock, especially since you're not prepared for it. You envision your life to be a bed of roses and suddenly you find that roses have long been outsold. But then, life goes on. You see a different perspective, try a different formula, its a change in the course of your otherwise insane life. And what do you do? Just like the fish you adapt. You change, try different styles and finally settle on something which makes you happy and keeps you safe in your new home. You don't survive, you are not born to survive. You were born to Live.Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-69943833051884062812013-06-20T02:13:00.001+05:302013-06-20T02:13:33.692+05:30The last tryI cant believe I tried again. Despite all the misgivings, I still tried. I should have just kept quiet. I would have at least been in the hope that you might have done something if you knew. But no, I had to call. I had to try one last time. I always do it. And I fell flat. It hurts you know. You have no idea how much it hurts. At least you could have tried. You could have lied. A word of comfort. Tell me its okay. Tell me that you would find a solution. Tell me you would work it out. But no. You had to be blunt. At this time. At this moment. When I am so far away and I actually took the pains to call you. When despite trying my best to show you how I feel you still dint notice.<br />
<br />
It makes me wonder now. Is it my imagination? Am I just over-hyping the whole thing? Do you really love and care for me the way I think you do? Am I not being a fool trying to sacrifice the rest of my tomorrow because I think I took your yesterday? But did I really take it? Isn't it more like something you were obsessed with and you just dedicated your life for your obsession. Just like any other person would do. You did what you felt you did your best. And then had me believe that it was sacrifice. It all just falls into place. And it looks like this whole big drama. The entire world was acting. Every single person. Because at any point of time humans just need someone to be obsessed over. You just need that contact, any contact. Deep inside each of us want to express our feelings, whether the other person likes it or not, needs it or not. I was one such victim.. and you had me believed that it was love.<br />
<br />
I don't think I'd ever forget today. When I thought so much before making that call, when for the past few weeks I've always been staring at the phone and wanting to make that call but restraining myself because I thought it would hurt you. I thought it would hurt you to know I was hurt. But no, you're hurt because I'm defying you, you're hurt because I rebelled. I didn't expect a solution, but then, I didn't expect to be chided. Not that tone, not now. And like that, I understand that tears are useless. Its lost its purpose. Whoever said tears can melt mountains was a fool. Tears do nothing. They just show your weak and give the other person strength to crush you over more. I was born stronger. I was created to do better things. I've done enough of crying. Its been too long of a useless life. I better find a purpose.Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-20903428276161868382013-05-13T13:21:00.000+05:302013-05-13T13:21:30.592+05:30This one's for youSometimes in life you should understand that that sort of mad, crazy love doesn't happen twice.. that tingling feeling which starts in your toes and reveberates right till your hair strands. But instead of fretting over the fact that it might not happen again we should just be happy it at least happened. We wouldn't go to our graves having not experienced something that awesome.<br />
<br />
Life after this might be boring, but then we need to celebrate what had gone by. Of course it would be hard and you would start wishing you could get back. Those are few low moments we need to live through, a punishment for having experienced something very few are privy to. But when it has passed, don't forget to smile and hold your head high. You've tread on paths few have dared to step on.Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-12740941017044114412013-03-17T09:58:00.000+05:302013-03-24T16:09:46.803+05:30Why??Bcos it was deemed to be this way. Bcos you showed me that life's not fair. Bcos you tried to make me who I was not. Bcos I wasn't strong enough to rebel too loud. Bcos there are words that are shouting to be heard. Bcos your backs towards me are turned. Bcos my pillow sees unshed tears; it quietly softens to soothe my fears. Bcos I tried to express myself, just to be alluded to devil's own self. Bcos heart and mind fight an epic battle, either wins or loses, the hurt's still mine. Bcos I found an easy way out, to make me smile through clouds and drought.<br />
Bcos I've got this feeling of having sacrificed too much. Bcos I feel I've lived your life all my life. Bcos I think I'm letting go of all my dreams of tomorrow, for the one reason that your yesterday was mine. Bcos I could let go and live in limbo. Bcos I could live my way and live in inferno. Bcos so long I always had a chance. Bcos the tag forever was never attached to my choice. <br />
Bcos I suddenly fear you don't really care. Bcos I started doubting my own reasons in despair. Bcos it pushes me to overstep the border. Bcos it makes me want to do things I felt taboo. Bcos the mind is sadly way too complex, the way it twists n turns even rivers give in. Bcos I need to know to let go, to close my eyes say a prayer and trust in the one above. <br />
Bcos all said I need that physical touch. Bcos I need to experience more than just imagine. Bcos deep down inside I'm just a little girl confused and scared and not ready to express.. for fear of hurting the ones who care, of being a trouble to those who love.<br />
Bcos as you see it's all about me, the I, the mine, not you, they or we.Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-89092284880887125622013-02-23T20:07:00.000+05:302013-03-10T20:47:33.042+05:30A blink too longI have always been the complaining girl, never happy with what I have. But especially with her I was even more. I always wanted her permanent attention, every second, every place. I could never be happy with no matter how much she gave me. There was always something missing. And I kept demanding more. But the catch was.. the demand was always in my mind. I couldn't bring myself to openly ask her to give me what I felt she should. And this was because deep inside I did know she was giving me her all, that even a little bit more of my asking would be a selfish call, and also because there was no return from my side.<br />
<br />
Still, I cant help but think out loud when I was denied what I required the most. An attention to a slight change in my mood, disturbance in my mind, a trough in my heart. And being the transparent person I am, it pained even more that she wasn't able to see through those emotions widely visible on my being. She closed her eyes on me on my most vulnerable moment.<br />
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So why didn't I go up to her and complain? Tell her she needed to notice, tell her I was hurt she missed me, that she overlook something right in front of her eyes? I guess the distance had grown..but maybe I just had that ego deep inside that I needed her to find out, I wanted her to look up and ask why.<br />
<br />
There are times I wonder why we have this ego to the people we love the most, the ones who are the most closest to us. How I so easily forgive and let go for the superficial friends but am quite adamantly determined to make my life worse by always having that silent fight with the most important ones. All because right now they missed a moment, because today they didn't see my silent tears, because they forgot to check in perfectly when I needed it the most. And that made me forget all those years, the million moments, the warm hugs to silently console me. I complain because they weren't there "now" but I forget they were always there "then". How I so want them to always have their eyes open for me, their words ready to advise me, their arms open to embrace me. Its a selfish demand I agree, but then its something that can be accepted especially when the bond is quite strong. At some point in our lives we will always have someone, that someone for whom we would wish to be the center of their lives, just like they are ours. Sometimes its one person, sometimes a few more, but there always will be one constant, someone who would have had to be the receiver of all our mood swings and still be ready to share her arms when we run back to it. And when she decides to look away to a different view, even if for a few moments alone. That is when we fall down the most.Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-88689971296356134612013-01-06T00:11:00.000+05:302017-06-18T00:33:16.018+05:30Somebody's angel<em>... Sitting in his car sipping a mega size booster juice and talking random non-sense that I normally do while he munched on his nutrition snack, the conversation slowly veered to how we met. Looking at me he smiled and said "My room-mate had just left and I felt I would soon be pushed into the well of depression again. I was scared about what would befell and didnt want to be there once more. And that's when like an angel you entered my life"...</em><br>
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He would never know how much those words meant to me. Like I mostly do when caught unawares with no words to reply( back then I never even used to "awwww"), I gave the widest smile I could with a slight blush seen and left it at that. Years down everytime I recollected that conversation to people, it made me feel good, made me feel special, made me feel awesome about myself. And sitting miles away, ignorant to all this, he had frozen that moment in my life.. forever. <br>
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Not everyone can be a Mahatma or a Mother Theresa. I cant even be a good daughter or sister at times needed. But does that mean we do not have a part in this world? That the world wouldn't miss us if we weren't there? Not really. Every portion of our life is filled with small bits of purposes, purposes that even we may not be aware of, things we do even without our own knowledge. We may spend our entire life just passing through and never realize how much of a value we have added.. to that stranger on the road when we smiled at him, to a long-forgotten friend when we suddenly called her, to a struggling colleague when we helped them out, to that granny when we held her hand as she climbed down the stairs. Maybe if you were not there in that moment, someone else would have and that help would anyways be given. But you were chosen to be there, and that mark is made. You become part of the cycle of joy that circulates around, even if just for a short moment, and radiates from the world. For those few seconds at least, the world is a happier place for someone, because you were a part of it.<br>
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But sadly we live in a thankless world. Or in most cases those people are just as speechless as I was with a fear to spoil that magical moment with words too plain or inappropriate. But that doesnt mean your deed was forgotten. It just means that even words couldn't explain how much your help meant. <br>
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My life has been made up of so many magical moments like that. People just come in and sprinkle miracles as if they were just created for me. Sometimes it makes me feel blessed, but at the end of it I feel guilty.. of not having told them how much more special my life had been because they cared to share their time in it. Of course he called me his angel, but little did he know what I felt about him. In a city far away from home, with not many friends and no one to selflessly help, he was my friend, family, teacher. He drove me around, shopped with me, showed me the city in its brightness and afterwards, made me smile, made me think, made me fight, made me feel at ease in taking control over him, advised me, teased me, cared for me. So much so even I could say "I would have experienced depression way too early. But then like an angel you entered my life".Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-86690420975577761282012-12-19T00:22:00.003+05:302012-12-20T06:19:43.497+05:30And He laughed and laughed and laughed..I watched the kites fly with the wind<br />
And teased their dearth for a will to rebel.<br />
I wrote my name along the shore<br />
And challenged the waves to strike its core. <br />
While He simply watched and laughed..<br />
<br />
I guarded my words, I guided my steps<br />
Lest perfection lost way, lest the clown within trips.<br />
I refused words that soothed, the hand that calmed<br />
Being way too strong, beyond hurt never wronged.<br />
And yet again He watched and laughed..<br />
<br />
I painted the world in black and white<br />
I carved my beliefs with an iron-willed might.<br />
I felt no stutter, no stumble, no sway<br />
I walked head held high and feet slightly on air<br />
This time He watched and smirked..<br />
<br />
When the time came nigh for Him to show<br />
How wrong I was, how life changed its flow.<br />
He did so with that smile intact<br />
A gentle hand to hold me tight.<br />
While I stood there struck in awe.<br />
<br />
He stopped the rebel, He crushed the ego<br />
He taught me to be free, be full, let go<br />
To accept the help, stretch out my hand<br />
Fall to the earth, make peace with the land<br />
Confused I watched the me grow..<br />
<br />
.... I just re read and found my last para as totally crappy. Trying to find a way to end it.. Till then let it be incomplete.. :)Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com2Chennai, India16.63619187839765 81.5625-60.137881621602347 -83.671875 90 -113.203125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-47351500163548781042012-11-01T23:15:00.000+05:302012-12-02T21:38:06.673+05:30..Bcos the entire universe conspired to help me find you..Its funny how some people leave such an imprint on your life, and you shudder to think that a moment's lapse and you would have missed them forever. He was one of them. Though there are quite a number of special people you know happened to you in such moments, he tops them all simply because he was the one I thought of when I heard this line. That is how much he played a role in my life. And he would have slightly never been there. <br />
We were in the same city together for a quite significant portion of our lives, walked the same roads, probably even crossed paths, never to even give the other a second glance. Fate intervened enough to keep our lives to just a mile apart but we never cared to try. It took us more years and many more miles to discover each other in the most convoluted way. A guy randomly held his hands out to me and I reluctantly slipped mine into them just to be pulled into a vortex from where there was no return. And right somewhere near the middle of this never ending whirlpool I chanced upon him.<br />
Avana pathi naan enna solla....<br />
I am not here to describe him, I wouldn't even try to. Every day I see something new, something different, each day is a discovery of who he is. From the first moment when he pinged me to the last ping I sent him every moment has been a journey. Of laughter and tears, of discussions and arguments, of complaints and consolations, of insane and insensible rants, of crazy theories and impossible philosophies, of secrets that somehow just make their way out of a dark and deep slumber. Its not that he needed to be there for me, its not that I needed to be there for him. I was there, so was he and somehow it made sense to be there for the other. At certain points in life you just need a ear, probably a feeling that someone was listening, someone was concerned, someone cared. Because at the end of the day your problems are for you to solve, no matter what the solution the world tries to give. But still for that moment when all you want to do is shout or sing or simply blabber, you're glad someone had the patience to listen. I'm glad you did.Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-52353323094057447442012-10-21T15:25:00.001+05:302012-10-21T15:25:52.011+05:30Sometimes you need to let go..It feels heavy and it feels hard, but then you know you did the right thing. Because deep inside despite all the misgivings you know any more of holding would just increase the pain when the inevitable happens. There are moments when you understand that the thing that makes you feel your best and gives you a happiness you never knew before was not meant for you. And by keeping it to yourself you were actually crushing it and ruining it of its own happiness. You were causing it an unbearable pain and in the course causing pain to you too.<br />
Its in moments like this that you see who you really are. The monster living deep inside you who was waiting for the right victim to attack and devour. Its a moment of self-realization, to make you understand a part of yourself, something you see you need to change and work on. Something you would never have known otherwise. You just feel sorry that you had to show it all on the one thing which dared to open up a whole new world to you.<br />
Though now deep inside I wish I could reach out and call it back again, I know I shouldn't. I know it was right to let go. Because it might be numb now, but I've made sure that need not last forever. I can see it living its life of happiness in the future. And that makes me smile.Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-1611026711089412152012-10-09T10:17:00.001+05:302012-10-09T10:17:40.600+05:30"Hmmm"When silence makes up most of the time that actually need conversations, it might not really mean what the world says. Maybe there is something beneath that you are not much aware of. Or maybe you are aware but then think you're acting quite clever by closing your eyes. Being blind never means that the sun doesn't rise every day, the moon doesn't go through its phases, the tides don't ebb and flow. It just means that you don't see them happening and don't know how they are happening, but they are. Ask the blind what they are missing, ask the dumb what they want to say, ask the deaf if they miss hearing the birds chirp. They will all tell you how lucky you are to have all these senses and still so thankless not to use it.<br />
Silence is good, for people who are in meditation, who are solitary and want to be away from the world. What you forget is that with each increasing day of not using God's greatest gift to mankind, you get so used to the quietness around you that you forget the days of directionless banter that actually gave you sanity. You reach a point where you think before you talk because you rarely talk and so when you do you want to make sure it has its importance. And some other time you just hate that silence being disturbed. You like it to stay that way. <br />
Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-81288270485273188132012-06-21T19:46:00.001+05:302012-06-21T20:13:50.230+05:30Where lies my 25%?<div>
The greatest gift God gave to every child was the mother. And then to augment it He gave a grandmother.. No, he gave two, to tell them stories of times gone by, to sing a lullaby of periods lost, to bring them into the fold they lived in, to be the buffer when the mother boils over. God blessed me with those two. And then he decided to give me one more. To explain to me by actions a virtue expected normally in a family - unconditional love. Just that this was not the bond that pulled us together. What bound me to her was not something that could be defined using the labels this world created for the myriad relations that existed here. But for simplicity sake I called her Ammachy. <br />
So what did I share with her? Probably just our birthday month. But what did she share with me? Anything that a grandmother should.. and some more. That silent prayer, the caring touch, the smile of encouragement, the look of displeasure, the addressal signifying a belonging and then that odd but cute "thank you" she ended all our calls or meets with. She didn't have to give me any of that but she did, and with such passion combined with the rigid belief that it was her duty. She felt she had a right over me at times even stronger than my parents and I loved every bit of that.<br />
Spending days with her, listening to her talk endlessly on mundane stuff with more attention on the delicacies she prepared, was a sort of ritual I needed to do at least every quarter. She was the reason I developed the love for good food, the patience to listen, the interest to build, maintain and especially remember familial ties. I was awed by the way she kept such awesomely close contact with her super extended family sans Facebook or mobile phones.. with just hand-written letters. Unfortunately try as I might I could never emulate it. I still remember how years back when this girl took a playful turn to church by talking and goofing around right in front of the altar Ammachy quietly pulled her towards herself and kept her there making her understand the sanctity of the whole service more with her stern looks than by words. She was the inspiration for my belief in God, she showed me how much He would help through her life, her experiences. Even when she scolded I felt it funny, funny because I was taken back by how she could so effortlessly take full control of us, because I didn't understand how or why she bothered so much, because it amazed me that someone could take note of such intricacies and point it out. When she complained I smiled, at the innocence, the childishness, the expressions her face took. When she cooked I stood admiring her sense of detail and oh yes, the cleanliness. I think I can go on about her need for linearity and order. Her likes, her interests, her practices which had been constantly the same over the forever years that I have known her. Forever years..<br />
And beneath all this I felt a love I knew would be missed for the rest of my unknown life. In this world where everyone gives only with a surety for some distant future I got from her something I would never be able to measure up to. I was gifted with a bond that I could not give a physical description to. It all stemmed from the heart.</div>Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-26640989703875372482012-06-10T10:20:00.001+05:302012-06-21T20:13:59.596+05:30Nothing to complain..<div>
Nothing is permanent in this world. No one stays forever. No feeling is unconditional and no act is selfless. And being a part of this self-centred world why should I complain of people who come and leave at their own will, who make use of what u give them when your gift itself has a ring of selfishness associated to it. You cling on to people for your own needs, where is the justice in you expecting them to be otherwise. The world is as good as you get. If what u did was good, so was what people did to you. And feel good that you were good enough, which is why you were saved from worse states. Its been a good life, always was, always will be.</div>Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com2Bangalore, Bangalore12.971599 77.59457tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-84115226939377659982012-03-12T20:10:00.000+05:302012-06-21T20:14:15.488+05:30Love blossoms..<div>
Every Sunday for many years as I could remember I used to wait at the entrance of my church for that Corolla which stopped there. And then as the doors open a smiling grandma in her pastel shaded sari n grandpa in his spotless white mundu emerged, the wide smiles on their face as they gave each other a moment's glance, a few words exchanged, sometimes a laugh and finally the entry to the church. They looked more like siblings than husband and wife each glowing in the others light. I never managed to ask them what was special about their love. But I could see that over years and years it had grown and molded into an inseparable bond. <br />
He was never the perfect man, but over the years, she said, she had grown to learn what he liked and adjust to it. Life was devoid of all the romance that movies and books talked about but then it wasn't a life she wanted either. She toiled at home without much of an expectation accepting all she got as the greatest gift from God. It would never have been a perfect life, no life is. But every single time I see them both hand in hand as two little kids who look over one another, I get the hope that perfection can be created. A little bit of letting go on either side, patience and the will to see through everything together will make any journey much wonderful. And over the years it grows into something beautiful.. if only you try.</div>Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-14958519126742571072012-01-14T12:37:00.004+05:302012-01-14T12:56:58.209+05:30No More WordsWords sting worse than actions. And especially when they're are written words, they stay for posterity, until erased off or deleted, for the affected to revisit till it gets ingrained in thier hearts. Like a birthmark, never to go. From time immemorial we have learnt of wars fought, kingdoms lost, civilizations destroyed all because of the ill-used words. And still we don't learn. When God created Man, he gave him a major boon.. or so He thought. The mouth. And then Man created words. <div>Life is all so simple and uncomplicated when you don't know to speak, when all that you said were just words which made no coherent sense. At that time, it was all cute to everyone's ears. And finally when it started making sense, you're talk becomes senseless, your words become meaningless, your thoughts become heartless. </div><div>And you finally understand how it was all so better when you just didn't talk. When all you did was smile at people and get back home to talk to that pillow on your bed. At least you didnt have to touch up your grammer, tone your accent or prune your words to make sure it was not hurt!</div>Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-73386335871510422932011-09-03T00:10:00.001+05:302012-06-21T20:14:31.898+05:30All you need is a dewdrop<div>
Just 24, travelled around the world, earning as much as dad's retirement, confident, outspoken.. It more or less summed up what would have been a successful persona, just that it came too early in life. And in the same manner as 2-minute maggi satisfying your appetite for that moment but never quite being chinese, lightning struck me too and in the most complicated way. I dint know what the issue was!<br />
Its easy when u see your problem, better to handle when you know what aches, but what when something's bothering you and you really don't know what it is? When you wake up daily knowing you're the luckiest on the planet and still not able to smile. When u party hard all night just to forget something, and you don exactly know what, and no.. You've not forgotten it! Other like-minded, similar experiencing friends of yours finally gave it a name. They called it 'Quarter life Crisis'. Easier now, you at least know what it is.<br />
And it was at the prime of this stage, when life was long gone dead that someone dropped down from the place many called paradise! He was just a guy I might see as I cross the road daily with not much as a glance straight-faced, upto the point, seemingly serious. But as I got down to doing the same menial job all over again, I found him change it all. From as simple as the way I work, to the way I think, he made me fall in love with everything around me, again. Now when I woke up I had a smile that previously was never there, I stopped pausing near the office entrance wondering whether to enter, I changed my wardrobe and did a makeover, I started walking with that joyful skip again! And amidst all of this QLC disappeared, as suddenly as it had come. When, where, how, well I really was not concerned. Because.something which I had tried with all the knowledge I could garner on positove energies was done without a sound. And with that cloud out of my sky I was able to see what was till now hidden. I knew what I wanted to do. I got a direction.<br />
Weeks later when I was asked how it all happened, I dint have an answer. I really don't know what he did. Maybe he was a catalyst to make me feel good about myself, to show me how to love my work, to bring me out of the loneliness I was feeling in that place till then. He was my dewdrop, just there for those few moments in the early hours of a long day, but to give me the hope that its gonna be a beautiful day ahead.</div>Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-43657310112629211052011-04-18T11:40:00.003+05:302011-04-18T11:48:44.683+05:30Breaking Free<p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">I want to break free,</span></span></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"></span></span></span></b><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">From bonds that held me tight</span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">From the feelings that refused to let go<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">From the thoughts that made me stop.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;"><br /></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">I wanted to make my own choices,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">Choose my own path, carve a niche for myself<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">While people loved to pull me towards their wishes,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">Forcing me to dream their dreams.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;"><br /></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">It’s all so easy to be bogged down,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">To give up and say goodbye,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">To all things dear to you, to all things you care.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">Your aspirations, your goals, everything which makes you YOU.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;"><br /></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">Ever since I started to dream,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">Ever since I tried to fly,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">I only found boundaries and limits, rules and curfews,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">Someone to stop me, hold me back against my dreams.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;"><br /></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">Life seemed all so simple before,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">When I never knew what I wanted,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">When I felt content with every bead in my string,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">When I never asked “Why not?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;"><br /></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">And that’s where it all started,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">A simple question, a small doubt, <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">A growing argument, a never ending fight,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">A terrible silence, with people who loved me the most.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;"><br /></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">I want to dance till my legs ache,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">Sing till my throat sores, <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">I just want to laugh loud, only wanted to cry,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">From the bottom of my heart.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;"><br /></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">I want to see the rising sun, feel the first rain,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">I want to live the way I wish to,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">I want to fly away, break free, just be myself,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFFF;">For that simple moment called Life.</span></span></span></b><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-9219950410869011962011-02-20T00:31:00.008+05:302011-02-20T19:14:27.501+05:30Dangerous 'Hi'A simple word, an innocent smile, a careless brush, a sudden look. All that is needed to start a relationship, any for that matter, is just a simple beginning. And as you tread deeper down, the way it evolved ends up being a mystery.<br />All through my simple and extremely short life I've met a whole lot of people, each different from another and at each point I've felt enough is enough; my small brain won't be able to handle any more! But the world smiles back and says "you've not seen anything yet!". And then I exchange a smile with another stranger and the person is never a stranger again.<br />But why do I do that without a thought? Why do I so easily welcome people into my life, knowing that even a small tremor in my carefully built world will cause a long term havoc to my being? Why do I trust so easily in spite of all I've seen? And why is it that after it all gets over I still believe in the goodness in people?<br />I might never be the one to start the conversation, but I've always welcomed the ones that are directed to me with nothing less than the widest smile I could conjure up. Even if for a second I never give it another thought. Who is this person, where did they come from, what they mean to the world, what the world means to them! Because at that moment I just needed an outlet to listen to my rantings, to tell me theirs, and I just don't bother who is standing there ready to be of service! And little do I know that soon after when I start to wish that we had just been 2 strangers never crossing others paths, the damage will be already done.<br />It's not that I won't do that mistake again. I know I'll step out into the street tomorrow and exchange a smile with yet another person and the cycle starts again. Still for that moment I do wonder why that 'hi' had to ever be exchanged. And that's when I remember a sweet saying "<span>Life never gives you the people you want.. It gives you the people you need.. To teach you, to hurt you, to love you, to confuse you, to mold you and to make you exactly what you ought to be.. The Best!</span>". And I smile. Maybe at this moment I wonder why you were written on my pages, but sooner I would know for sure!Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-68642548110193708102010-10-15T11:09:00.003+05:302011-02-20T19:26:21.312+05:30Whose loss is it anyways?We were never the best of friends, we were never even friends. There was many a time when we had our hot arguments followed by cold wars but that didn't make us enemies either. God had willed us both to be bound together by a relationship considered divine and sometimes even above himself, but that just didn't seem to be taking us through the desired direction, at least in my eyes. And after 2 years as I face my first cold war within a month of getting back home, I wonder what had gone so wrong between us.<br />I've always tried to visualize those first moments of my entry into this world and try to hear what was running through her mind, when she first saw me, held me in those hands, heard my first cry, fed me that first taste of outside world. Did she ever know that I would grow up to be such a rebel, a disobedient, ungrateful, haughty woman. Maybe she saw those first strains when a little under three, I ran away from home on a whim (I have no idea what I was planning to do then), all because she refused to let me open the door. But that didn't deter her from losing that hope she had in me, the hope that I would grow to be the woman she had dreamt of probably when her eyes first rested on me. And like all other women of her genre, her whole world revolved around me until my brother came by five years later. Not that the revolutions stopped after that. It just got more frantic. From cooking different dishes to suit all our likes, to keeping the house neat and tidy especially with three kids(which includes my dad) who loved throwing their stuff around with no order whatsoever, to taking care of us when we fell sick, she did it all. And somewhere in the midst of all this we grew distant.<br />Maybe the fault was all mine, maybe I gave up too soon, or as always I can blame it on that mega fat ego I hold which doesn't distinguish between people. And finally after a point it just was irreparable. I hate the fact that she stopped me from doing things I loved the most. And I hate it more that this restriction made me do those very same things along with some jhatkas and matkas all without her knowledge. I hate the fact that she didn't understand most things I tried to explain but my dad actually did. And I hate it even more that in spite of all that there are some things I really cant tell him. I hate the fact she tells me I'm dark and then when I try to lighten my color she goes berserk about it. I hate it that she acts like she knows all about everything. And I hate that she really does!<br />And as always I wonder what I can do to make her feel at least good, if not proud, about me. I've just tried to do as much as this tiny house-keeping portion of my brain can guide me to, but it always falls short of what she expects. Now why does she expect more!?! I clean the table, she says table-mats not cleaned, I clean them, she says they're not in order, I put them in order, she says glasses not cleaned, I clean that she says bottle not filled with water, I fill that up, she tells me I didn't clean it before I filled it, I do that and it's time to lay the table-mats again for the next supper! And then she signs off telling how slow I am, how I cant live if I'm this way, of how hundreds of women my age manage their houses and work so well that she feels... she feels embarrassed to say I'm her daughter?<br />It just feels that no matter what I do, it's just never enough, never right and I'm just not able to meet that mark. And after one point, I just stopped trying, I quit you could say. I felt this wasn't what I was meant to be doing. And I didn't want to give my energy and heart and soul on something that was not even on the top 10 things I wanted to do in life. I don't have a top 10 but let's leave that for some other day! But yes, I felt I was wasting my time. Because I just could never please, so why even try? And that's how distant we grew. So much so that right now she's making that fish curry or fry, I'm really not sure, while I sit in front of my favorite pastime and bitch about her. Yes, I accept, I'm the most ungrateful thing that could have ever happened to her and she's the best that can ever happen to me and now I wonder again. Why did God will this?Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6226379384643753101.post-81677422908632607192010-10-02T23:11:00.001+05:302012-06-21T20:14:43.557+05:30Letting my hair down!All my school life I have been this controlled restrained girl who loved to do the unusual stuff but never succeeded beyond dreaming about the same, because I never could pull up myself to take control of a life which I knew even then didn't fully belong to me. Weird as it might seem nothing I did was ever something I really wanted to do, but I somehow learnt to turn it around in a way that makes it fun for me. There are people in this world who say 'I am what I wanted to be'. Good for them but all the same I'll just say 'I love what I have been and what I am right now!'. Somehow I've never regretted anything that I did in my life till now and one thing I loved the most about what I've done over the years was learning to live on my own terms do my own simple things without having to much hurt those around me. To go wild, shout out at the top of my voice even if it's my office, do a small hip-hop when I'm happy, sing that jingle when I feel like it, go "woo hoo" when a cute guy smiles at me, be mean on the road, be sweet on the phone, simply, do stuff just because at that moment I feel like doing it. And yesterday I broke that control over one more factor in my life which I really ain't sure would be there for long! I somehow was able to let my guard down to the point where I went berserk doing stuff which I've seen everyone around me do! Everyday I feel it can't get better than this but each day in my life is out there to prove me wrong. And with each step to letting myself loose I find the whole horizon widening out more! Life is out-of-the-worldly amazing!Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18423867275480743853noreply@blogger.com1