We were never the best of friends, we were never even friends. There was many a time when we had our hot arguments followed by cold wars but that didn't make us enemies either. God had willed us both to be bound together by a relationship considered divine and sometimes even above himself, but that just didn't seem to be taking us through the desired direction, at least in my eyes. And after 2 years as I face my first cold war within a month of getting back home, I wonder what had gone so wrong between us.
I've always tried to visualize those first moments of my entry into this world and try to hear what was running through her mind, when she first saw me, held me in those hands, heard my first cry, fed me that first taste of outside world. Did she ever know that I would grow up to be such a rebel, a disobedient, ungrateful, haughty woman. Maybe she saw those first strains when a little under three, I ran away from home on a whim (I have no idea what I was planning to do then), all because she refused to let me open the door. But that didn't deter her from losing that hope she had in me, the hope that I would grow to be the woman she had dreamt of probably when her eyes first rested on me. And like all other women of her genre, her whole world revolved around me until my brother came by five years later. Not that the revolutions stopped after that. It just got more frantic. From cooking different dishes to suit all our likes, to keeping the house neat and tidy especially with three kids(which includes my dad) who loved throwing their stuff around with no order whatsoever, to taking care of us when we fell sick, she did it all. And somewhere in the midst of all this we grew distant.
Maybe the fault was all mine, maybe I gave up too soon, or as always I can blame it on that mega fat ego I hold which doesn't distinguish between people. And finally after a point it just was irreparable. I hate the fact that she stopped me from doing things I loved the most. And I hate it more that this restriction made me do those very same things along with some jhatkas and matkas all without her knowledge. I hate the fact that she didn't understand most things I tried to explain but my dad actually did. And I hate it even more that in spite of all that there are some things I really cant tell him. I hate the fact she tells me I'm dark and then when I try to lighten my color she goes berserk about it. I hate it that she acts like she knows all about everything. And I hate that she really does!
And as always I wonder what I can do to make her feel at least good, if not proud, about me. I've just tried to do as much as this tiny house-keeping portion of my brain can guide me to, but it always falls short of what she expects. Now why does she expect more!?! I clean the table, she says table-mats not cleaned, I clean them, she says they're not in order, I put them in order, she says glasses not cleaned, I clean that she says bottle not filled with water, I fill that up, she tells me I didn't clean it before I filled it, I do that and it's time to lay the table-mats again for the next supper! And then she signs off telling how slow I am, how I cant live if I'm this way, of how hundreds of women my age manage their houses and work so well that she feels... she feels embarrassed to say I'm her daughter?
It just feels that no matter what I do, it's just never enough, never right and I'm just not able to meet that mark. And after one point, I just stopped trying, I quit you could say. I felt this wasn't what I was meant to be doing. And I didn't want to give my energy and heart and soul on something that was not even on the top 10 things I wanted to do in life. I don't have a top 10 but let's leave that for some other day! But yes, I felt I was wasting my time. Because I just could never please, so why even try? And that's how distant we grew. So much so that right now she's making that fish curry or fry, I'm really not sure, while I sit in front of my favorite pastime and bitch about her. Yes, I accept, I'm the most ungrateful thing that could have ever happened to her and she's the best that can ever happen to me and now I wonder again. Why did God will this?
Friday, October 15, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
All my school life I have been this controlled restrained girl who loved to do the unusual stuff but never succeeded beyond dreaming about the same, because I never could pull up myself to take control of a life which I knew even then didn't fully belong to me. Weird as it might seem nothing I did was ever something I really wanted to do, but I somehow learnt to turn it around in a way that makes it fun for me. There are people in this world who say 'I am what I wanted to be'. Good for them but all the same I'll just say 'I love what I have been and what I am right now!'. Somehow I've never regretted anything that I did in my life till now and one thing I loved the most about what I've done over the years was learning to live on my own terms do my own simple things without having to much hurt those around me. To go wild, shout out at the top of my voice even if it's my office, do a small hip-hop when I'm happy, sing that jingle when I feel like it, go "woo hoo" when a cute guy smiles at me, be mean on the road, be sweet on the phone, simply, do stuff just because at that moment I feel like doing it. And yesterday I broke that control over one more factor in my life which I really ain't sure would be there for long! I somehow was able to let my guard down to the point where I went berserk doing stuff which I've seen everyone around me do! Everyday I feel it can't get better than this but each day in my life is out there to prove me wrong. And with each step to letting myself loose I find the whole horizon widening out more! Life is out-of-the-worldly amazing!