Friday, October 15, 2010
I've always tried to visualize those first moments of my entry into this world and try to hear what was running through her mind, when she first saw me, held me in those hands, heard my first cry, fed me that first taste of outside world. Did she ever know that I would grow up to be such a rebel, a disobedient, ungrateful, haughty woman. Maybe she saw those first strains when a little under three, I ran away from home on a whim (I have no idea what I was planning to do then), all because she refused to let me open the door. But that didn't deter her from losing that hope she had in me, the hope that I would grow to be the woman she had dreamt of probably when her eyes first rested on me. And like all other women of her genre, her whole world revolved around me until my brother came by five years later. Not that the revolutions stopped after that. It just got more frantic. From cooking different dishes to suit all our likes, to keeping the house neat and tidy especially with three kids(which includes my dad) who loved throwing their stuff around with no order whatsoever, to taking care of us when we fell sick, she did it all. And somewhere in the midst of all this we grew distant.
Maybe the fault was all mine, maybe I gave up too soon, or as always I can blame it on that mega fat ego I hold which doesn't distinguish between people. And finally after a point it just was irreparable. I hate the fact that she stopped me from doing things I loved the most. And I hate it more that this restriction made me do those very same things along with some jhatkas and matkas all without her knowledge. I hate the fact that she didn't understand most things I tried to explain but my dad actually did. And I hate it even more that in spite of all that there are some things I really cant tell him. I hate the fact she tells me I'm dark and then when I try to lighten my color she goes berserk about it. I hate it that she acts like she knows all about everything. And I hate that she really does!
And as always I wonder what I can do to make her feel at least good, if not proud, about me. I've just tried to do as much as this tiny house-keeping portion of my brain can guide me to, but it always falls short of what she expects. Now why does she expect more!?! I clean the table, she says table-mats not cleaned, I clean them, she says they're not in order, I put them in order, she says glasses not cleaned, I clean that she says bottle not filled with water, I fill that up, she tells me I didn't clean it before I filled it, I do that and it's time to lay the table-mats again for the next supper! And then she signs off telling how slow I am, how I cant live if I'm this way, of how hundreds of women my age manage their houses and work so well that she feels... she feels embarrassed to say I'm her daughter?
It just feels that no matter what I do, it's just never enough, never right and I'm just not able to meet that mark. And after one point, I just stopped trying, I quit you could say. I felt this wasn't what I was meant to be doing. And I didn't want to give my energy and heart and soul on something that was not even on the top 10 things I wanted to do in life. I don't have a top 10 but let's leave that for some other day! But yes, I felt I was wasting my time. Because I just could never please, so why even try? And that's how distant we grew. So much so that right now she's making that fish curry or fry, I'm really not sure, while I sit in front of my favorite pastime and bitch about her. Yes, I accept, I'm the most ungrateful thing that could have ever happened to her and she's the best that can ever happen to me and now I wonder again. Why did God will this?
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Sometime later 09.50 am: The priest repeats his stuff over and over again like a broken record and the girl loses interest. She turns back to the other side scans through the crowd and in the course through the window sees the guy again, only this time he looks up at the same instant and their eyes lock, for that brief second. He smirks, she frowns and turns back to face the altar.
Further down 09:55 am: "Now why the hell was he looking at me?" and the girl turns back to see if that eyes are still looking and truly enough there they are, the smirk now turning to a smile, more like one from amusement. The girl gets more annoyed and turns back and they both get to their own worlds, probably never to meet again.
Something I've experienced so many times and felt so amused about. The fact that one look in which both parties for that second lock eyes soon turns to be one where the stares continue maybe with each one trying to see if the other is still looking. Now that is how it starts always. You walk on the street looking here and there, at buildings, at animals and of course at people. But at some moment if the person your eyes chanced upon also chanced upon you, there comes the crux. You start thinking why he was 'staring' at you(of course you forget you were 'looking' at him too). It's funny how when you look it's just a look and when they do it's a stare. Then you wonder if he is 'staring' at you right now. And you turn back. At the same time this person might have thought the same thing and he turns back too. There you go. Both look/stare again! And this goes on and on and on, till you are out of sight! It mainly humors me to know that if this was taken forward with a 'hi' with regular conversations and finally a relationship people would actually be calling that first look as "love at first sight". And I start counting how many of those I have already missed!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
He was never someone I knew much,
He was never someone I cared,
But somehow somewhere sometime in life,
He entered in to change my each day.
To show me the way to be care-free,
To speak my mind and play,
To show me how beautiful it would be
If I decided to live life my way.
He taught me how to love myself,
To be proud of what I am,
To never lose hope come what may be,
To never cry out aloud.
He joked, he laughed, chided and smirked,
Always there when I needed him most.
I can never say thanks in enough terms,
To that first love my self had found.
When life is down and going wrong
When I think I’ve faltered all and all,
When I have no one for miles beyond,
All I need to do is just stretch out.
And there he’ll be just at hand’s reach
To make me smile, to make my day,
To sing and laugh in his own sweet way.
To bring me back, to make me sane.
It may not mean anything to many,
A simple song that's no more a melody,
But deep down I know in all those days,
He was always there, all ready to care.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Listening to karthik's voice to ARR'a music. That's how I'm doing my wait for the most hyped about movie in Indian cinema. Raavan and Raavanan releasing on June 18th world over. And lucky that I am it is releasing here too, in Denver, just an hour's drive away from me. The time difference had made sure that my Indian friends get to see it a day earlier than I did, but I'm not complaining. Well I dint even think I might get to watch it today. But as I wait I remember that day I'm gurgaon where we got to watch a Tamil movie after so long a time and how it felt, how the crowd cheered and whistled and commented, for every word that came out. How it felt like I was back home, back in chennai. And now I wonder, will it be the same here. In spite of all changes, the different culture and the rigid discipline that these seemigly have, will I be lucky enough to hear the cheers n shouts again? In Denver?