Thursday, June 19, 2014

What did I do for you to love me thus?

You forgave me with total disregard to the treatment I meted out to You, You loved me while I was filled with hate, You cared for me when all I could give was apathy, You protected me while I surrounded myself with negligence, You comforted me when all I did was rebel, You yearned for me when what I wanted was separation. But I just kept running, far far away, through long winding tunnels, unknown fields, black waters, till my legs could run no more, till my strength drained me. But the road still kept going on. It just didn't seem to end. And when I looked back, You were still waiting where I left You, arms wide open, ready to embrace me the minute I rushed back, no matter when that was. You were waiting with a smile, which told me it was alright, which had already forgiven me even before I turned to look.
And I turn that foot towards your side, ready to come back, but I see that I've run too far. There are so many stones that have cut my feet, there have been many a thorn which have pierced my veins, pushing their venom deep inside. I want to rush back into Your arms, I want to feel safe in Your embrace again, but this girl who comes back is not the same one who left. So much has changed and I wonder if I would be able to love You the same way again. In the way I believed. That no one could love You as much as I did. But then I don't know if I can ever love anyone as much as I did You. It sometimes seems incredulous, that I could feel so much for someone I had never seen before. But I know I did and I also know its difficult to feel that for someone else again. Not that I want to, but then I regret more that I wont be able to do it for someone who really does deserve it. Will I ever be able to love You the way You did me? Unconditional, unwavering and diligent. Will I ever be able to come back to You, the way I left?

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Politics and religion

That was a word which was a part of my life every day, an average of at least ten times each day, in some form or the other. And coming from a family that would rather miss breakfast than a Sunday service, I ended up being deeply involved in my church and its associations. At times too deeply that before I even got to pass my SSLC, I got to see the grey shades of a church its members swore by. And despite its colours I found myself more endeared towards it. After all the blood that coursed my veins(and arteries) was heavily mixed the suriani christiani spirit. Ohh, ur a catholic? "No!!!". A protestant. "Oh please no!". Then? What else is there? "I'm an eastern orthodox". A what?
I come from a sect based out of Kerala perched on the western edge of India where every religion has multiple divisions. That is how religions survive in this country, by subdividing and re-dividing based on the cultural differences governing each state, each region. Each sect traces back their roots to the dinosaurs.. at least they try to; and when that fails at least to the dark ages or bright sages!
Mine doesn't do all that. We accept that we are quite recent, after Christ(anno domini), and that our ancestors were actually brahmins(so there, we are Hindu descendants, but hey brahmin ok!), and we aren't really interested in expansion(we are struggling to keep our remaining folk with ourselves so where's the talk about expansion). But then, can any good come from Nazareth? So, of course, our claim is that we were directly baptised by St. Thomas himself, so u see, we are called the St. Thomas Christians. Or in more official terms, I am a member of the Malankara Syrian Orthodox Church. With a history that is as rich, colourful and diverse as our name itself. So there, in a short and sweet way, is the basic history lesson that I have got used to parroting every time someone goes "Ohh ur a catholic?". Please, not again!
Long back a friend asked me whether I was religious and I told him I was more spiritual. Recently another asked me the same question and I was confused. Not because I was not spiritual, that had only increased, but because I was also religious but in a different way. I was politically religious. I'm not even sure if that term is a fabrication of my own, but its a term that can be associated with a lot of people of my church. We are all politically religious. We are more involved in the politics of the church rather than its spiritual aspect. We love to revel in the posts and associations set up around the church more to show our leadership skills rather than for the growth of the church. And like all hard core keralites we love power. We love to be in control, not under control. But what we forget is that, to be in control we eventually have to be under control of someone. Unless we own the whole thing. Which being a religious institution we can't. God owns it. Even saying that sounds funny. But well ya, like it was shown in a not-so-recent Bollywood movie, God owns all of it. Oh My God!