Management Woes

I'm laughing my head out for this one. It's sad, it's bad but it's true too. This is what the IT revolution has brought about in the world over especially in developing countries where they seem to be showing their dominance more with the rude jolt to their own industries. It's time the managers wake up and find out. This is not funny anymore.





I'm still wondering....

Living the High Life

Problems may come but u must take it as a " ROYAL CHALLENGE "
Otherwise people will call u an " OLD MONK "
And stick a " BLACK LABEL " on u.
But u must fight like " NAPOLEAN ",
Live like a "Bagpiper",
Strut around like a "Jhonny Walker",
Work like "8PM",
Think like a "Director Special",
And don't forget the cute little "Black Dog"
Then your life will be like the "Imperial Blue"
And if you do all the above it will add value to your "Signature"

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

13. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Heard on the Street

Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the following:

" The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China . If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer it will go to India . If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala . If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany . If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I've been doing my part."

God's Sense of Humour

God was in the process of creating the universe.And he was explaining to his subordinates, "Look everything should be in balance.

For example, after every 10 deer there should be a lion.

Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States. I have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension....

And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature. But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.

And here is South America. I have given them lots of forests. But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests...

So you see fellows, everything should be in balance.

One of the angels asked... "God, what is this extremely beautiful country here?"

God said....... "Ahah.!..that is the crown piece of all. "INDIA", My most precious creation. It has understanding and friendly People. Sparkling streams and serene mountains. A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live. Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold.....

The angel was quite surprised:
"But god you said everything should be in balance."



God replied --

"Look at the neighbours I gave them."

Husbands n Wives

A wife mentioned to her husband that for her birthday, she would like something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in four seconds.
She was expecting something like this............





But her husband presented her with something very different...

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No prizes for guessing what happened to the husband!!

The Perfect employee !!

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without

3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always

5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended

6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be

11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines!

Secret of a Happy Married Life

Once I asked my friend, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

He replied, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

I dint understand how and so i asked him to explain. And this was his reply, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, I asked him for some examples.

He said," Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses,what to eat,when to cook,whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"

I was curious."Then what is your role?"

To that he replied," My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America is justified in attacking Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy,should L.K.Advani lead the NDA,Weather Elections should be held in Karnataka during may or november, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc etc. "Do you know one thing? My wife NEVER objects to any of these decisions".

Thank goodness vehicles run on petrol !!

Over the weekend, I filled up my car's fuel tank, and I thought fuel has become really expensive after the recent price hike.But then I compared it with other common liquids and did some quickcalculations, and I felt a little better.

To know why, see the results below - you'll be surprised at how outrageous some other prices are !

Diesel (regular) in Mumbai : Rs.36.08 per litre

Petrol (speed) in Mumbai : Rs.52 per litre

Coca Cola 330 ml can : Rs.20 = Rs.61 per litre

Dettol antiseptic 100 ml Rs.20 = Rs.200 per litre

Radiator coolant 500 ml Rs.160 = Rs.320 per litre

Pantene conditioner 400 ml Rs.165 = Rs.413 per litre

Medicinal mouthwash like Listerine 100 ml Rs.45 = Rs. 450 per litre

Red Bull 150 ml can : Rs.75 = Rs.500 per litre

Corex cough syrup 100 ml Rs.57 = Rs. 570 per litre

Evian water 500 ml Rs. 330 = Rs. 660 per litre Rs. 500 for a litre of WATER???!!!

And the buyers don't even know thesource (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Kores whiteout 15 ml Rs. 15 = Rs. 1000 per litre

Old Spice after shave lotion 100 ml Rs. 175 = Rs. 1750 per litre

Pure almond oil 25 ml Rs. 68 = Rs. 2720 per litre

And this is the REAL KICKER...

HP deskjet colour ink cartridge 21 ml Rs.1900 = Rs. 90476 per litre!!!

Now you know why computer printers are so cheap ? So they have you hookedfor the ink !

So, the next time you're at the pump, don't curse our honorable Petroleum Minister - just be glad your car doesn't run on cough syrup, after shave,coffee, or God forbid, printer ink !

Family Problems

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, "Talking about love Marriages...I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.
"After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son.
Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems..Gimme a break!!"

Loony Lawsuits

The squeamish should not watch a reality TV show called Fear Factor. Now that’s a fact. With contestants eating worms and fighting crocodiles, it’s best for the faint-hearted to stick to Cartoon Network. Austin Aitken is one such couch potato. And as with consideration to how much his mind could handle he should have stayed on to CN. But then that was not to be and that night in 2005 he tuned into the wrong channel, at the wrong hour and got caught with an episode that was so disgusting, it made him ill. His blood pressure rose and he grew dizzy, causing him to bang his head against the doorway as he fled the room. A $2.5 million payout from the NBC television network will put him on the road to recovery. Or so he thought.

The final verdict: The judge ruled that it was for situations like these that the remote was invented and threw the case off the court.

Guy's point of view

Well here's something i got thru mail andn enjoyed reading. Just thot u'll feel the same. So here we get into what runs in the male mind. We always hear “the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. Finally, from the guys, for the guys.

Please note. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

->Subtle hints do not work!

->Strong hints do not work!

->Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

10 ways to stop those credit card sales

1. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.
2. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
3. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
4. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
5. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.
6. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up...louder. ..louder. ..louder!
7. Tell themto speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.
8. If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems.... ........"
9. Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.
10. Tell the HSBC call center guy to call on your office number. - and give him the CITIBANK call center number.

Why did Sreeshant cry ??

Do u know why he actually cried ???



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DIL ke armaan aansuon me beh gaye.....Sree kaise shaant reh saktha??

Yeh bhi English hi hain

You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this.This is a true essay written by a Bihari candidate at UPSC (IAS) Examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian Cow.



INDIAN COW

He is the cow.The cow is a successful animal.Also he is 4 footed, and because he is female, he gives milks. He is same like God , sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement.What can it do? Various ghee,butter, cream, curd,why and the condensed milk and so forth. And he is also useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species, and also his gober is much useful to farmers, plants and trees and is used to make flat cakes, in hand and drying sun.Cow is the only animal that extricates after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in hte meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child.This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapond to be parralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forewards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with it.The palms of his feet are soft onto the touch.So the grasses head is not crushed.At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts. His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the cow.

Laden's valentine

A little boy comes home from first grade and tells his father that he learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "As Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get angry at me for giving someone a valentine?" The father thinks for a moment and then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," the boy says.

"Why Osama ," his father asks in disbelief.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd jump with joy. And then he'd go all over and tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Father's heart swells and he looks at his son with newfound pride and joy. "Calvin, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Calvin says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him."

Never play wid ur MOM !!

Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner...who lives with a roommate Sunita... During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made hermore curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom' s thoughts, Kumar volunteered," I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I' ve been unable to find the silver chutney jar. Youdon't suppose she took it, do you? "
"Well, I doubt it, but I 'll email her, just to be sure "
So he sat down and wrote : Dear Mother, I 'm not saying that you did take the chutney jar from my house, I 'm not saying that you did not take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Kumar
Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read : Dear Son, I 'm not saying that you do sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now.Love, Mum.
Lesson of the day ..... Don't Lie to Your Mother...especially if she isIndian!

DEATHS THAT MADE EVEN TOP DOCTORS WONDER

This case happened in a hospital's Intensive care ward where Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m,regardless of their medical condition.


This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.


So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go downto the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nursesnervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.


Some were holding woodencrosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil........ Just when the! Clock struck 11...



And then......



then.....



Then........



Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and Unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner

All That Glitters on her is Gold

" If your father is a poor man, its not your fault But If your father-in-Law is a poor man, it's definitely your fault" Here is a faultless couple (Javed Miandad's son and his wife (Dawood Ibrahim's Daughter).........

All that Glitters is Definitely Gold . HOLD YOUR BREATH

Sab Chaltha Hain In India

A few characteristics u may find only in India. Well we are all known for these stuff.
*The humble bathroom mug-carried on all occassions, all places
*The all-season shower
*Mariage mart-Matrimonial columns
*The cricket crazy nation
*Ultimate suffix-Dazzle for degrees
*Love for recycling
*Holy cow
*Living wid plastic
*Life is all abt adjusting-Joint families
*Trash kings
*Talking the Hinglish way-Mixin of languages
*All that trumpetting-ostentatious display esp our mariages
*Crossing anywer, anyhow
*Punctuality by IST-Indian Stetchable Time
*The way we bend rules
*Seeing off-Our farewells
*Haggle hounds-Bargaining
*Love for nicknames
*Sifarish-Recommendations