Losing my control, getting mean again.

There was always this mean bitch sleeping right within me. And I knew it too. Guess I never wanted it to come out, which is good. And over the years I learnt just how to control it and make it dormant, make it sleep within myself never to come out ever. It was difficult, because I had all the qualities they say a girl should never have. I was short-tempered(highly), impatient(to the max), could lie in the blink of an eye with not so much as a feeling of remorse, and could imagine and wish for the worst things to happen to anyone who crossed my line. But over the years, with the help of the Only One who comes forward when you need Him the most, no matter how much you have turned Him out of your life and hurt Him, I developed this mask of being the sweet girl that people started loving to be with. I learnt to be calm, composed, never flaring up, except if with my parents or brother. And that was alright, because they are family, and they are the only ones who stay for you till the end of time. So here I was this sweet li'l girl every person was talking about until one fine day it just blew up. I turned back to be the bitchy girl, shouting at people losing my control over all the small stuff that normally leaves me untouched. And what created this change? What made me lose my screws? May be the ones who stay with me would know better. I just learnt that the people surrounding you to have a large influence on how you turn out. Because now I can see myself use words I used to shun away from. That's why they say company matters. Even when you're old with broken teeth, company does matter.

Swings against the flow

Mood swings happen to all. But why is it that suddenly I feel that I am most affected. I take things much more seriously than I normally would. Is is just those hormones doing their thing again? Especially now that it is combined with the changes in the weather and a whole new country to go with it. Well, maybe it justs happens. To everyone I'm sure. It always takes time to settle down in a new place. Not that I'm gonna settle down here. But still, it's a new place, new people, far from home. You are given the benefit to get cranky sometimes. Though of course, not always. I guess I need to keep my cool, learn to get back to how I was soon enough. But still mood swings are good sometimes. You do need to take out the pressure inside you somehow. So till then. Soon I hope.

When you just don't know!

There are some moments in life when you don't know why you're doing what you're doing. I get into such many times and at these moments I've learnt not to think, to just do what I feel at the moment. The problem is, I feel so much for it later. I think about it later and muse about it continuously till I finally get over it. Is it good? Well I don't know and that's jut it. I seriously don't know. But why do I bring myself to this point. Why don't I think about stuffs at that moment? Why did I just do what I did? Never thinking about how it will affect the others around. How much hurt they will be when they know what I've done. I didn't think then. And if it had been allowed it just could have reached the point of no return. Like that! What am I even thinking? In clearer terms, why don't I even think!

Make up after a Break up

Why do people even fight? That was a question I always used to wonder. Every time I see close friends fighting it out I used to wonder, 'How the hell do they fight knowing each other so well' and the next minute even before you go to solve it out they are back again, as if nothing at all happened. And you end up being a fool for even having poked your nose into that muddle. And I learnt that when two people have a problem, the best thing to do is act dumb about it. Cos at the end they do make up. After all in spite of all the differences and the stupid fights, they are meant to be together. And if you actually take close look at these you might understand that's actually needed, sometimes to strengthen the relationship, sometimes to pep it up and sometimes maybe cos God does not want them to be more close than he is. Plain jealousy huh? Seems funny, but then life itself is! So back to what I had started out on. I don't know much about people getting closer after a fight. But I've seen lots of people who were close getting into a fight. I guess the emotions and expectations just get too high then. I remember my first fight at the age of 3 with my then best friend. Now it might seem a stupid as it did then to my parents. But being the stubborn girl I was, my parents had to literally drag me to this girl's house just to ask a simple sorry. I had broken her earring and I was too embarrassed to even look at her. But I'll never forget the innocent joy she exhibited on seeing me there and even lifted me up unable to control it. That's what happens when you're kids. You break up and make up so easily with just one word or sometimes with just a smile! I can see fights growing with each passing year and the different ways in which they were solved, the intricacy just increasing with the passing years. Many times it just needed a sorry that I didn't say. At other times it needed a full explanation, and sometimes just a opening up. Whatever it is, I'm learning lots on the way. It's never too late to make up but still why wait till its late?

Bad time for Common Cold

And that is just now! What with all the news of swine flu on the run, one sneeze and the entire population stare at you like you just killed someone! I just experienced that right now and I can't say how it feels. you should be there to know it all. To my bad luck I got the cold at the wrong time(yday), in the wrong place(bangalore) and sneezed in the wrong environment(railway station). With all and sundry already with masks across their noses, I could sense the apprehension when I so simple as said 'acchoooooo' right there. Already common cold has its own irritation, and on top of it now you would have to bear with the cold stares from people rather than sympathy that this malady formerly generated. So much for just a sneeze!

Hogging hogging and more hogging!

Home for four days and all I've done is hog food like there's not gonna be a tomorrow. Breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner. I've had the best that could ever be got following a full course meal starting with the cruncher and ending with a pudding. Fish, chicken, beef, mutton. Name it and its all there on the table, waiting to be devoured upon. And I'm scared of getting back to work tomorrow cos I know I will be frowning at all things on the plate. Who will not after being in luxury for so long. My parents and relatives are spoiling me dead. And not I expect the best of everything. Oh that fried fish with sauce...hmmmmm!!!

The long-awaited Marriage.

The last time I remember getting so excited for a mariage was for Benita's, over two years back. And then too it had nothing to do with clothes and stuff. I was just excited to go to Kerala and meet my cousins and spend time with them. But this time it seems more than that. For those who have not much idea, most marriages in India are like a festival. But a christian wedding, especially a Malayalee christian's is the most simple among all in the country. In sipte of it we look forward to it and have so many plans going into it, then just imagine the rest of the sects! And this is like that of a guy who I literally grew up with. Though over the years we went our separate ways, there was a time when he was someone I loved a lot, adored to the hilt. And he is finally getting married. And well from getting my sari to deciding which hairstyle to sport I'm like meticulously planning each detail, making sure it's the best. Of course he bought me a sari, but the rest of the choices are mine and I want it to match the sari's style. So how will I look on the D-day, how on the previous dinner. Getting compliments is something all like. Can I be left behind!? It was when my mom joined me in making sure I chose the best to wear that I understood. The excitement is infectious and not just limited to the younger generation. The most awaited event in the Broadway church, Chennai. A marriage is not just a family event in our church. Especially not when the people involved are like deep integrated within the church. And the countdown begins here. 5 days to go!

When someone misses you...

It's not always that people tell me they miss. Or should I put it like, People tell me they miss me and they mean it! But yes. Last night when I got this message from someone I thought was just considering me as another person in his life, I seriously didn't know how to react. Especially when just the previous day I had felt all lost and lonely in this big bad world. But finally I just smiled. A smile that was eluding me for over many hours. A smile after long hours of sleeplessness and tears. Just a small tiny message can have so much effect and well I really felt special. I've always wanted to know if I make a difference to any person's life. If my absence will ever be of effect. And when someone actually tells you that they miss you, you know how much they mean!! I felt and I loved it. It made me feel worth living. It made me finally understand that being myself is just the best thing I could ever do.

Another indepenedence day

Seems like just another day. But no it is an important day in every Indian's life. It is our independence day. Something for which our forefathers gave their lives and fought every second. Just so that we could enjoy the freedom which they were not entitled to. And yet its all lost on us. You have programs on TV, people hoisting flags, but the importance is just not the same. For most it's another holiday. For those who still have work its just another day. I remember looking forward to this day when in school just cos it meant a day off on a weekday. And then I slowly remember getting the patriotism when watching "Roja", the most famous movie of those times, and of course during a cricket match. But then was that that was to be for an independence day. No one will ever know the true meaning, and so no one can even say which is the true spirit. After all we were all born well into the independent India era, not even in the least way affected. Every thing we do will not be enough gratitude for our ancestors. But a simple thought might be good too. Learn to respect the freedom you've gained. Learn to value it.

Not really jobless

Hey. I'm back again after longggg. And ya really long. But then I'm not actually jobless now. have loads to do on my kitty. But I just wanted to make some time out. Just for me. And when I finally put up this blog page on twitter I remember that I better come in and check it at least now. The last entry I wrote here was months back. So here's one so that they don't chuck me out of this community. not that they would Hell!! I was a valuable blogger. Anyways. That's it for now. Let me see if I can make more time when I get back home this weekend. Till then Ciao!

Staying Away..Being Independent..

I believe everyone should live away from their parents for few days, especially before their mid 20's get over. Because it's only then that you understand where true love and concern lies. When you stay with them though you do understand, you don't fully gt to grasp what you are enjoying. Which can be seen when you finally leave them and settle on your own. The you'll know how much you've taken for granted in these numerous. The constant care you get from their side will be much more than all the tit-bits that you get from all around you. And you'll be able to experience it first hand. You'll see that you may expect a lot of things from the many people around, but the only one who exceeds all your wildest expectations will be your parents. In their own sweet way which will beat all comparisons they triumph. And then you understand why parents are equalled to God in many places. Why this relationship is given more importance than any other the world over. After all be thankful that there are still relationships in the world that don't require you to stretch out your hand to revel them.

Getting back home

Well its a lovely feeling and though I'm like doing it every now and then in recent days, each day I get back the feeling is the same. Of being back to the place where I took my first step, where I made my first friends, which provided me all the good things in my life and always there to console me during my bad times. Well, why won't I feel nostalgic. After all it's my hometown. And it not only drives me crazy each time I step here. It makes me feel wanted, adored, welcomed with more and more warmth(literally too!!) every day. Getting back home is always amazing. And its different each time!

Are women the only reason?

Is it always women who are the reason for a break-up? Is it just us who don't understand what love is all about, what feelings are all about? People say that women don't understand, they don't feel in love, they are not true. If they don't know what love is all about, how can they love their children. their husband, their parents, their family. Is that not love also? Is it just that intimate feeling that two people of the opposite sex(nowadays even same sex) feel for each other that's love. Not anything else. And every time a break-up occurs, how is it that the girls are blamed. 's always the guys who are true, staying till the end. And the girl who cheats. Does she really cheat? How come most people just don't understand. The girl, when she makes a decision, doesn't think only about herself. She places her family, her friends before herself, her own happiness. And that is why in many cases you see that the girl goes off, in such cases, the main reason being due to her parents, her family whom she always gives top priority. Is it wrong? Maybe to the wronged party, but not for her family. She's upheld their name, not let them down in front of the society, which is ready to point out such faults quickly. She is selfless, she is self-sacrificing and that is why she is a woman. Sweetly taking up all the you give her without a word of protest, ready to give up all that she's ever lived for and loved for, for smiles on the people around her. The more you blame her the more you'll love her. Well, that is a gift no other creation has got. She is God's favorite jewel.

Why fall in love?

There are times I wonder why people even fall in love. And how come once they fall in even when they find it getting beyond their limit they manage to stand and hold on. All this inspite of them knowing that they are very much unhappy in the relationship that they are in. Or is it that all relationships are quite as difficult? Fighting over simple matters, creating havoc in the other person's mind, spoiling the day for both the parties, tears unlimited on each side and then falling in love all over again. Sounds nice when verbally uttered as in all cases. After all its easy to say when we are not involved and only looking at it from a distance. But then what about those who are into it. Are those few minutes of pleasure worth the hours of constant fights? Questions galore. Maybe easy for me to ask, because I've just not fallen in love!! How will someone who hasn't known the depth a relationship holds ever have knowledge enough to comment about it? But still the more I think about it I wonder if I would have ever been able to handle all this. Well, maybe that's why I'm not in love!

Whiling away time when it comes

Three months of slogging hard trying to make sure you are in your job. And then sitting simply put for the next three months..!! Oh yes! I've experienced all that and more. In some ways it does remind me of college. There were days in which we used to laze around so much with absolutely nothing to do. And then the exams set in and 24 hours is not enough in a day. And then i decide I need to do some useful work when I have the time. Only to lose interest when the time actually comes. I'm back doing nothing at all with lots of time on hand! Well that's life, or more apt to say, that's how yours truly works..!!!

Back Again..Not sure if with a Bang..!!!

Seven months is quite a long time. And I don't know how much I have missed out in this time. But now that I have come back. It just shows that i missed this entire portion of my life. Ive been here since the start of last year, penning down each feeling I had every time I have it. And the past months without having an outlet to set it all out, know I did miss this a lot. Blogging can never be just that. Its what I would call a public diary. A place where I come and publish to the world what I feel, what I care about, what makes me ME. And Im back here, to do it, all over again if the need be, but to do what i love the most, writing. After all im a born blogger!!!