Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Revelations 2013

It's easy to smile when you're future is not really clear. It's easier when you all your beliefs point towards good times. It's easiest when you for sure know it's going to be awesome. But what when your heart shouts out loud that it's going to be downhill, that things might just get worse, though its still uncertain you don't seem to see any flicker of a hope of good times? I guess then you're allowed to feel down and depressed, you're allowed to sound like a different person, you're allowed to act weird and closed.. after all it's your life that seems so bleak.

But does that mean you forever stay that way? When that happens it is a shock, especially since you're not prepared for it. You envision your life to be a bed of roses and suddenly you find that roses have long been outsold. But then, life goes on. You see a different perspective, try a different formula, its a change in the course of your otherwise insane life. And what do you do? Just like the fish you adapt. You change, try different styles and finally settle on something which makes you happy and keeps you safe in your new home. You don't survive, you are not born to survive. You were born to Live.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

The last try

I cant believe I tried again. Despite all the misgivings, I still tried. I should have just kept quiet. I would have at least been in the hope that you might have done something if you knew. But no, I had to call. I had to try one last time. I always do it. And I fell flat. It hurts you know. You have no idea how much it hurts. At least you could have tried. You could have lied. A word of comfort. Tell me its okay. Tell me that you would find a solution. Tell me you would work it out. But no. You had to be blunt. At this time. At this moment. When I am so far away and I actually took the pains to call you. When despite trying my best to show you how I feel you still dint notice.

It makes me wonder now. Is it my imagination? Am I just over-hyping the whole thing? Do you really love and care for me the way I think you do? Am I not being a fool trying to sacrifice the rest of my tomorrow because I think I took your yesterday? But did I really take it? Isn't it more like something you were obsessed with and you just dedicated your life for your obsession. Just like any other person would do. You did what you felt you did your best. And then had me believe that it was sacrifice. It all just falls into place. And it looks like this whole big drama. The entire world was acting. Every single person. Because at any point of time humans just need someone to be obsessed over. You just need that contact, any contact. Deep inside each of us want to express our feelings, whether the other person likes it or not, needs it or not. I was one such victim.. and you had me believed that it was love.

I don't think I'd ever forget today. When I thought so much before making that call, when for the past few weeks I've always been staring at the phone and wanting to make that call but restraining myself because I thought it would hurt you. I thought it would hurt you to know I was hurt. But no, you're hurt because I'm defying you, you're hurt because I rebelled. I didn't expect a solution, but then, I didn't expect to be chided. Not that tone, not now. And like that, I understand that tears are useless. Its lost its purpose. Whoever said tears can melt mountains was a fool. Tears do nothing. They just show your weak and give the other person strength to crush you over more. I was born stronger. I was created to do better things. I've done enough of crying. Its been too long of a useless life. I better find a purpose.

Monday, May 13, 2013

This one's for you

Sometimes in life you should understand that that sort of mad, crazy love doesn't happen twice.. that tingling feeling which starts in your toes and reveberates right till your hair strands. But instead of fretting over the fact that it might not happen again we should just be happy it at least happened. We wouldn't go to our graves having not experienced something that awesome.

Life after this might be boring, but then we need to celebrate what had gone by. Of course it would be hard and you would start wishing you could get back. Those are few low moments we need to live through, a punishment for having experienced something very few are privy to. But when it has passed, don't forget to smile and hold your head high. You've tread on paths few have dared to step on.

Sunday, March 17, 2013


Bcos it was deemed to be this way. Bcos you showed me that life's not fair. Bcos you tried to make me who I was not. Bcos I wasn't strong enough to rebel too loud. Bcos there are words that are shouting to be heard. Bcos your backs towards me are turned. Bcos my pillow sees unshed tears; it quietly softens to soothe my fears. Bcos I tried to express myself, just to be alluded to devil's own self. Bcos heart and mind fight an epic battle, either wins or loses, the hurt's still mine. Bcos I found an easy way out, to make me smile through clouds and drought.
Bcos I've got this feeling of having sacrificed too much. Bcos I feel I've lived your life all my life. Bcos I think I'm letting go of all my dreams of tomorrow, for the one reason that your yesterday was mine. Bcos I could let go and live in limbo. Bcos I could live my way and live in inferno. Bcos so long I always had a chance. Bcos the tag forever was never attached to my choice.
Bcos I suddenly fear you don't really care. Bcos I started doubting my own reasons in despair. Bcos it pushes me to overstep the border. Bcos it makes me want to do things I felt taboo. Bcos the mind is sadly way too complex, the way it twists n turns even rivers give in. Bcos I need to know to let go, to close my eyes say a prayer and trust in the one above.
Bcos all said I need that physical touch. Bcos I need to experience more than just imagine. Bcos deep down inside I'm just a little girl confused and scared and not ready to express.. for fear of hurting the ones who care, of being a trouble to those who love.
Bcos as you see it's all about me, the I, the mine, not you, they or we.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

A blink too long

I have always been the complaining girl, never happy with what I have. But especially with her I was even more. I always wanted her permanent attention, every second, every place. I could never be happy with no matter how much she gave me. There was always something missing. And I kept demanding more. But the catch was.. the demand was always in my mind. I couldn't bring myself to openly ask her to give me what I felt she should. And this was because deep inside I did know she was giving me her all, that even a little bit more of my asking would be a selfish call, and also because there was no return from my side.

Still, I cant help but think out loud when I was denied what I required the most. An attention to a slight change in my mood, disturbance in my mind, a trough in my heart. And being the transparent person I am, it pained even more that she wasn't able to see through those emotions widely visible on my being. She closed her eyes on me on my most vulnerable moment.

So why didn't I go up to her and complain? Tell her she needed to notice, tell her I was hurt she missed me, that she overlook something right in front of her eyes? I guess the distance had grown..but maybe I just had that ego deep inside that I needed her to find out, I wanted her to look up and ask why.

There are times I wonder why we have this ego to the people we love the most, the ones who are the most closest to us. How I so easily forgive and let go for the superficial friends but am quite adamantly determined to make my life worse by always having that silent fight with the most important ones. All because right now they missed a moment, because today they didn't see my silent tears, because they forgot to check in perfectly when I needed it the most. And that made me forget all those years, the million moments, the warm hugs to silently console me. I complain because they weren't there "now" but I forget they were always there "then". How I so want them to always have their eyes open for me, their words ready to advise me, their arms open to embrace me. Its a selfish demand I agree, but then its something that can be accepted especially when the bond is quite strong. At some point in our lives we will always have someone, that someone for whom we would wish to be the center of their lives, just like they are ours. Sometimes its one person, sometimes a few more, but there always will be one constant, someone who would have had to be the receiver of all our mood swings and still be ready to share her arms when we run back to it. And when she decides to look away to a different view, even if for a few moments alone. That is when we fall down the most.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Somebody's angel

... Sitting in his car sipping a mega size booster juice and talking random non-sense that I normally do while he munched on his nutrition snack, the conversation slowly veered to how we met. Looking at me he smiled and said "My room-mate had just left and I felt I would soon be pushed into the well of depression again. I was scared about what would befell and didnt want to be there once more. And that's when like an angel you entered my life"...

He would never know how much those words meant to me. Like I mostly do when caught unawares with no words to reply( back then I never even used to "awwww"), I gave the widest smile I could with a slight blush seen and left it at that. Years down everytime I recollected that conversation to people, it made me feel good, made me feel special, made me feel awesome about myself. And sitting miles away, ignorant to all this, he had frozen that moment in my life.. forever.

Not everyone can be a Mahatma or a Mother Theresa. I cant even be a good daughter or sister at times needed. But does that mean we do not have a part in this world? That the world wouldn't miss us if we weren't there? Not really. Every portion of our life is filled with small bits of purposes, purposes that even we may not be aware of, things we do even without our own knowledge. We may spend our entire life just passing through and never realize how much of a value we have added.. to that stranger on the road when we smiled at him, to a long-forgotten friend when we suddenly called her, to a struggling colleague when we helped them out, to that granny when we held her hand as she climbed down the stairs. Maybe if you were not there in that moment, someone else would have and that help would anyways be given. But you were chosen to be there, and that mark is made. You become part of the cycle of joy that circulates around, even if just for a short moment, and radiates from the world. For those few seconds at least, the world is a happier place for someone, because you were a part of it.

But sadly we live in a thankless world. Or in most cases those people are just as speechless as I was with a fear to spoil that magical moment with words too plain or inappropriate. But that doesnt mean your deed was forgotten. It just means that even words couldn't explain how much your help meant.

My life has been made up of so many magical moments like that. People just come in and sprinkle miracles as if they were just created for me. Sometimes it makes me feel blessed, but at the end of it I feel guilty.. of not having told them how much more special my life had been because they cared to share their time in it. Of course he called me his angel, but little did he know what I felt about him. In a city far away from home, with not many friends and no one to selflessly help, he was my friend, family, teacher. He drove me around, shopped with me, showed me the city in its brightness and afterwards, made me smile, made me think, made me fight, made me feel at ease in taking control over him, advised me, teased me, cared for me. So much so even I could say "I would have experienced depression way too early. But then like an angel you entered my life".