Friday, March 19, 2010
When i stepped out of my car in front of nuts n spices, little did i know what was awaiting us. Scared to park the car on the road for fear of it being noticed i stepped into her house to change my formal wear into something interesting. Amidst approvals from Miss Bewafa and Miss What's In, I made myself presentable and finally zoomed past the busy roads to our next destination. There was awaiting another car to take us to our destination or should I say destinations? From one end of the city we travel to the other end, whether it was to buy water or stationary. And then the first cake was cut on the side of a beach just like I always wanted. Maybe it would have been beautiful a lil more into the waters, but then still the same. I had a birthday buddy, sharing my same day but born a few years before and we reveled in all the attention we got. The journey later on was like on a travel through the clouds. The voices only got more nonsensical, the music louder, and the car faster. We don't remember how we got back to the place that we started, but we did know that the many destinations that we set foot on during the course of it. And whether i remember it or not, the pictures are there to remind me, of the freakishness that was last night. The globe that I dropped on the table, surprise being broken, "So are u really surprised?" asked for the nth time, 7 people in one car, non-blondes in a non-tinted car, the malliga-saaman list to "Mom"(He has a cool mother macha!), the 8 min and 8 month controversies, puking, puking and more puking, dancing with unknowns, unseens and the final kuthu for our kudumba kuthuvillakku. I now think how better could it have got, and I know it just couldn't get any better. When I woke up in the morning with a heavy weight on my head, I knew I had reached the limit. I had achieved it all and there was nothing more to it. I was finally over 23 and loving each moment. Looking back the year had been a first for so much in my life. So many ups and downs and confusions by the million. There was so much laughter as there were tears, so much confidence as there were fears. And I survived them all and still live today. It was the best befitting reply to a sexy, risky, ever filled with change year gone by. And it just could not have got any better.
I loved writing. And especially more on paper than typing it down. Maybe I just loved seeing my handwriting on paper. But then it was an outlet for my feelings, more so the confused ones which I felt got more light when I wrote them all down. The positive, the negative and the neutral all blended in together, not to give me solutions but at least to make my heart lighter and mind clearer. But I took up the book only when I felt sad or lost. I always had people to spend it with when I was happy. There was not a moment when I felt great and had to suppress it within myself. So my blog never had the good things that touched. Reading it more seemed like I had only sorrows throughout leading to a wretched life, when that was just not true. I put that in because good times were shared with friends (not really Kingfisher) but the sad ones I preferred to keep it to myself and when they got too big for me, I wrote it all down. But now I feel just awesome. After what happened last night I really don't know if I can share it enough to get over it. And so here it goes. The first fun-loving post after string of sad ones. One that made me happy and a bit sad too.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
As I cried my heart out last night I wondered why that Messiah whom I always used to call out to suddenly left me alone. He was not there to console me as He always did, to hold me tight and tell me it would be alright, to quietly put me to sleep, to tell me He loved me more than anyone else ever could. I felt lonely, I felt lost. And taking up that cellphone I dialed the only person I could think of to pull me out this sorrow.
And he picked up the call. At 1 am in the morning when the whole world was deep in their dreams, in spite of all his weariness, he picked up my call. It was a just a hello that was needed, the feeling that my call was answered, that someone had made sure his ears were open for me, no matter what the hour is. That simple assurance was enough. He has not always been there for me, not when I wanted to tell him I got a job, when I wanted to throw a tantrum, when I simply wanted to say Hi. But he was there when I was hurt and had nowhere to turn to. And that's what I needed the most. He was older, wiser and knew relationship traumas and feelings more. He was able to sense my pain though I didn't know the words to express it in, he could feel my tears though I wasn't there before him. He knew exactly how I felt, what I thought. And with each word he said, I felt my sadness being blown away, just in a matter of some time.
Maybe I was wrong all along. My Messiah was there by my side. He told me whom to call when I needed it most. He knew what was best for me. And He led me to the green pastures, by the cool waters to soothe my mind as He always did.
He looked so familiar, like someone I knew back in college, and so agreed all my friends. Though I was never interested in this tall, dark, wierdo and even had moments of snubbing and shunning between ourselves, destiny willed otherwise. It brought us together in a twisted, unforseen way and we started talking. And there began a series of late night talks trying to outdo each other, sharing so much and finding a lot in common. Long walks, night outs, spending more than half or all our time together and enjoying it, loving it, living it. I had some of the best moments I could ever imagine. Or was it all just an act? Was there ever something common that tied us together?
Now when I stand at a distance looking at that same someone, I feel all those cords had been broken somehow, but how, when and where. Without even me knowing about it. Now a person I knew from head to tail, each smile, each grimace, every emotion, has suddenly turned a stranger. A stranger in a land that was always colorful only because he lived in it too. In a land that has also turned harsher and bitter to me just as he has. A land that waits for every opportunity to put me down and tell me I'm not worth a dime. I feel all so lonely in foreign place missing the one person I loved as a friend, more than a friend. But where has he gone? Why does he not understand? Or is it my fault as it always seems to be?