Monday, March 21, 2016
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Maybe that's what she had always hoped for. That one fine day she would wake and things would change, drastically. But then, little did she know that the world was as boring as it gets, nothing happens here unless you make it happen. That this wasn't a fairy tale, where one fine morning fairy godmother appears and grants wishes or removes problems with a swish of a wand. Oh, how much she hoped it was. And she blamed them for making her believe, for making her hope, for making her dream.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
And I turn that foot towards your side, ready to come back, but I see that I've run too far. There are so many stones that have cut my feet, there have been many a thorn which have pierced my veins, pushing their venom deep inside. I want to rush back into Your arms, I want to feel safe in Your embrace again, but this girl who comes back is not the same one who left. So much has changed and I wonder if I would be able to love You the same way again. In the way I believed. That no one could love You as much as I did. But then I don't know if I can ever love anyone as much as I did You. It sometimes seems incredulous, that I could feel so much for someone I had never seen before. But I know I did and I also know its difficult to feel that for someone else again. Not that I want to, but then I regret more that I wont be able to do it for someone who really does deserve it. Will I ever be able to love You the way You did me? Unconditional, unwavering and diligent. Will I ever be able to come back to You, the way I left?
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
That was a word which was a part of my life every day, an average of at least ten times each day, in some form or the other. And coming from a family that would rather miss breakfast than a Sunday service, I ended up being deeply involved in my church and its associations. At times too deeply that before I even got to pass my SSLC, I got to see the grey shades of a church its members swore by. And despite its colours I found myself more endeared towards it. After all the blood that coursed my veins(and arteries) was heavily mixed the suriani christiani spirit. Ohh, ur a catholic? "No!!!". A protestant. "Oh please no!". Then? What else is there? "I'm an eastern orthodox". A what?
I come from a sect based out of Kerala perched on the western edge of India where every religion has multiple divisions. That is how religions survive in this country, by subdividing and re-dividing based on the cultural differences governing each state, each region. Each sect traces back their roots to the dinosaurs.. at least they try to; and when that fails at least to the dark ages or bright sages!
Mine doesn't do all that. We accept that we are quite recent, after Christ(anno domini), and that our ancestors were actually brahmins(so there, we are Hindu descendants, but hey brahmin ok!), and we aren't really interested in expansion(we are struggling to keep our remaining folk with ourselves so where's the talk about expansion). But then, can any good come from Nazareth? So, of course, our claim is that we were directly baptised by St. Thomas himself, so u see, we are called the St. Thomas Christians. Or in more official terms, I am a member of the Malankara Syrian Orthodox Church. With a history that is as rich, colourful and diverse as our name itself. So there, in a short and sweet way, is the basic history lesson that I have got used to parroting every time someone goes "Ohh ur a catholic?". Please, not again!
Long back a friend asked me whether I was religious and I told him I was more spiritual. Recently another asked me the same question and I was confused. Not because I was not spiritual, that had only increased, but because I was also religious but in a different way. I was politically religious. I'm not even sure if that term is a fabrication of my own, but its a term that can be associated with a lot of people of my church. We are all politically religious. We are more involved in the politics of the church rather than its spiritual aspect. We love to revel in the posts and associations set up around the church more to show our leadership skills rather than for the growth of the church. And like all hard core keralites we love power. We love to be in control, not under control. But what we forget is that, to be in control we eventually have to be under control of someone. Unless we own the whole thing. Which being a religious institution we can't. God owns it. Even saying that sounds funny. But well ya, like it was shown in a not-so-recent Bollywood movie, God owns all of it. Oh My God!
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
But does that mean you forever stay that way? When that happens it is a shock, especially since you're not prepared for it. You envision your life to be a bed of roses and suddenly you find that roses have long been outsold. But then, life goes on. You see a different perspective, try a different formula, its a change in the course of your otherwise insane life. And what do you do? Just like the fish you adapt. You change, try different styles and finally settle on something which makes you happy and keeps you safe in your new home. You don't survive, you are not born to survive. You were born to Live.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
It makes me wonder now. Is it my imagination? Am I just over-hyping the whole thing? Do you really love and care for me the way I think you do? Am I not being a fool trying to sacrifice the rest of my tomorrow because I think I took your yesterday? But did I really take it? Isn't it more like something you were obsessed with and you just dedicated your life for your obsession. Just like any other person would do. You did what you felt you did your best. And then had me believe that it was sacrifice. It all just falls into place. And it looks like this whole big drama. The entire world was acting. Every single person. Because at any point of time humans just need someone to be obsessed over. You just need that contact, any contact. Deep inside each of us want to express our feelings, whether the other person likes it or not, needs it or not. I was one such victim.. and you had me believed that it was love.
I don't think I'd ever forget today. When I thought so much before making that call, when for the past few weeks I've always been staring at the phone and wanting to make that call but restraining myself because I thought it would hurt you. I thought it would hurt you to know I was hurt. But no, you're hurt because I'm defying you, you're hurt because I rebelled. I didn't expect a solution, but then, I didn't expect to be chided. Not that tone, not now. And like that, I understand that tears are useless. Its lost its purpose. Whoever said tears can melt mountains was a fool. Tears do nothing. They just show your weak and give the other person strength to crush you over more. I was born stronger. I was created to do better things. I've done enough of crying. Its been too long of a useless life. I better find a purpose.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Life after this might be boring, but then we need to celebrate what had gone by. Of course it would be hard and you would start wishing you could get back. Those are few low moments we need to live through, a punishment for having experienced something very few are privy to. But when it has passed, don't forget to smile and hold your head high. You've tread on paths few have dared to step on.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Bcos I've got this feeling of having sacrificed too much. Bcos I feel I've lived your life all my life. Bcos I think I'm letting go of all my dreams of tomorrow, for the one reason that your yesterday was mine. Bcos I could let go and live in limbo. Bcos I could live my way and live in inferno. Bcos so long I always had a chance. Bcos the tag forever was never attached to my choice.
Bcos I suddenly fear you don't really care. Bcos I started doubting my own reasons in despair. Bcos it pushes me to overstep the border. Bcos it makes me want to do things I felt taboo. Bcos the mind is sadly way too complex, the way it twists n turns even rivers give in. Bcos I need to know to let go, to close my eyes say a prayer and trust in the one above.
Bcos all said I need that physical touch. Bcos I need to experience more than just imagine. Bcos deep down inside I'm just a little girl confused and scared and not ready to express.. for fear of hurting the ones who care, of being a trouble to those who love.
Bcos as you see it's all about me, the I, the mine, not you, they or we.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Still, I cant help but think out loud when I was denied what I required the most. An attention to a slight change in my mood, disturbance in my mind, a trough in my heart. And being the transparent person I am, it pained even more that she wasn't able to see through those emotions widely visible on my being. She closed her eyes on me on my most vulnerable moment.
So why didn't I go up to her and complain? Tell her she needed to notice, tell her I was hurt she missed me, that she overlook something right in front of her eyes? I guess the distance had grown..but maybe I just had that ego deep inside that I needed her to find out, I wanted her to look up and ask why.
There are times I wonder why we have this ego to the people we love the most, the ones who are the most closest to us. How I so easily forgive and let go for the superficial friends but am quite adamantly determined to make my life worse by always having that silent fight with the most important ones. All because right now they missed a moment, because today they didn't see my silent tears, because they forgot to check in perfectly when I needed it the most. And that made me forget all those years, the million moments, the warm hugs to silently console me. I complain because they weren't there "now" but I forget they were always there "then". How I so want them to always have their eyes open for me, their words ready to advise me, their arms open to embrace me. Its a selfish demand I agree, but then its something that can be accepted especially when the bond is quite strong. At some point in our lives we will always have someone, that someone for whom we would wish to be the center of their lives, just like they are ours. Sometimes its one person, sometimes a few more, but there always will be one constant, someone who would have had to be the receiver of all our mood swings and still be ready to share her arms when we run back to it. And when she decides to look away to a different view, even if for a few moments alone. That is when we fall down the most.