Saturday, February 23, 2013

A blink too long

I have always been the complaining girl, never happy with what I have. But especially with her I was even more. I always wanted her permanent attention, every second, every place. I could never be happy with no matter how much she gave me. There was always something missing. And I kept demanding more. But the catch was.. the demand was always in my mind. I couldn't bring myself to openly ask her to give me what I felt she should. And this was because deep inside I did know she was giving me her all, that even a little bit more of my asking would be a selfish call, and also because there was no return from my side.

Still, I cant help but think out loud when I was denied what I required the most. An attention to a slight change in my mood, disturbance in my mind, a trough in my heart. And being the transparent person I am, it pained even more that she wasn't able to see through those emotions widely visible on my being. She closed her eyes on me on my most vulnerable moment.

So why didn't I go up to her and complain? Tell her she needed to notice, tell her I was hurt she missed me, that she overlook something right in front of her eyes? I guess the distance had grown..but maybe I just had that ego deep inside that I needed her to find out, I wanted her to look up and ask why.

There are times I wonder why we have this ego to the people we love the most, the ones who are the most closest to us. How I so easily forgive and let go for the superficial friends but am quite adamantly determined to make my life worse by always having that silent fight with the most important ones. All because right now they missed a moment, because today they didn't see my silent tears, because they forgot to check in perfectly when I needed it the most. And that made me forget all those years, the million moments, the warm hugs to silently console me. I complain because they weren't there "now" but I forget they were always there "then". How I so want them to always have their eyes open for me, their words ready to advise me, their arms open to embrace me. Its a selfish demand I agree, but then its something that can be accepted especially when the bond is quite strong. At some point in our lives we will always have someone, that someone for whom we would wish to be the center of their lives, just like they are ours. Sometimes its one person, sometimes a few more, but there always will be one constant, someone who would have had to be the receiver of all our mood swings and still be ready to share her arms when we run back to it. And when she decides to look away to a different view, even if for a few moments alone. That is when we fall down the most.