Where lies my 25%?

The greatest gift God gave to every child was the mother. And then to augment it He gave a grandmother.. No, he gave two, to tell them stories of times gone by, to sing a lullaby of periods lost, to bring them into the fold they lived in, to be the buffer when the mother boils over. God blessed me with those two. And then he decided to give me one more. To explain to me by actions a virtue expected normally in a family - unconditional love.  Just that this was not the bond that pulled us together. What bound me to her was not something that could be defined using the labels this world created for the myriad relations that existed here. But for simplicity sake I called her Ammachy.
So what did I share with her? Probably just our birthday month. But what did she share with me? Anything that a grandmother should.. and some more. That silent prayer, the caring touch, the smile of encouragement, the look of displeasure, the addressal signifying a belonging and then that odd but cute "thank you" she ended all our calls or meets with. She didn't have to give me any of that but she did, and with such passion combined with the rigid belief that it was her duty. She felt she had a right over me at times even stronger than my parents and I loved every bit of that.
Spending days with her, listening to her talk endlessly on mundane stuff with more attention on the delicacies she prepared, was a sort of ritual I needed to do at least every quarter. She was the reason I developed the love for good food, the patience to listen, the interest to build, maintain and especially remember familial ties. I was awed by the way she kept such awesomely close contact with her super extended family sans Facebook or mobile phones.. with just hand-written letters. Unfortunately try as I might I could never emulate it. I still remember how years back when this girl took a playful turn to church by talking and goofing around right in front of the altar Ammachy quietly pulled her towards herself and kept her there making her understand the sanctity of the whole service more with her stern looks than by words. She was the inspiration for my belief in God, she showed me how much He would help through her life, her experiences. Even when she scolded I felt it funny, funny because I was taken back by how she could so effortlessly take full control of us, because I didn't understand how or why she bothered so much,  because it amazed me that someone could take note of such intricacies and point it out. When she complained I smiled, at the innocence, the childishness, the expressions her face took. When she cooked I stood admiring her sense of detail and oh yes, the cleanliness. I think I can go on about her need for linearity and order. Her likes, her interests, her practices which had been constantly the same over the forever years that I have known her. Forever years..
And beneath all this I felt a love I knew would be missed for the rest of my unknown life. In this world where everyone gives only with a surety for some distant future I got from her something I would never be able to measure up to. I was gifted with a bond that I could not give a physical description to. It all stemmed from the heart.

Nothing to complain..

Nothing is permanent in this world. No one stays forever. No feeling is unconditional and no act is selfless. And being a part of this self-centred world why should I complain of people who come and leave at their own will, who make use of what u give them when your gift itself has a ring of selfishness associated to it. You cling on to people for your own needs, where is the justice in you expecting them to be otherwise. The world is as good as you get. If what u did was good, so was what people did to you. And feel good that you were good enough, which is why you were saved from worse states. Its been a good life, always was, always will be.

Love blossoms..

Every Sunday for many years as I could remember I used to wait at the entrance of my church for that Corolla which stopped there. And then as the doors open a smiling grandma in her pastel shaded sari n grandpa in his spotless white mundu emerged, the wide smiles on their face as they gave each other a moment's glance, a few words exchanged, sometimes a laugh and finally the entry to the church. They looked more like siblings than husband and wife each glowing in the others light. I never managed to ask them what was special about their love. But I could see that over years and years it had grown and molded into an inseparable bond.
He was never the perfect man, but over the years, she said, she had grown to learn what he liked and adjust to it. Life was devoid of all the romance that movies and books talked about but then it wasn't a life she wanted either. She toiled at home without much of an expectation accepting all she got as the greatest gift from God. It would never have been a perfect life, no life is. But every single time I see them both hand in hand as two little kids who look over one another, I get the hope that perfection can be created. A little bit of letting go on either side, patience and the will to see through everything together will make any journey much wonderful. And over the years it grows into something beautiful.. if only you try.

No More Words

Words sting worse than actions. And especially when they're are written words, they stay for posterity, until erased off or deleted, for the affected to revisit till it gets ingrained in thier hearts. Like a birthmark, never to go. From time immemorial we have learnt of wars fought, kingdoms lost, civilizations destroyed all because of the ill-used words. And still we don't learn. When God created Man, he gave him a major boon.. or so He thought. The mouth. And then Man created words.

Life is all so simple and uncomplicated when you don't know to speak, when all that you said were just words which made no coherent sense. At that time, it was all cute to everyone's ears. And finally when it started making sense, you're talk becomes senseless, your words become meaningless, your thoughts become heartless.

And you finally understand how it was all so better when you just didn't talk. When all you did was smile at people and get back home to talk to that pillow on your bed. At least you didnt have to touch up your grammer, tone your accent or prune your words to make sure it was not hurt!

All you need is a dewdrop

Just 24, travelled around the world, earning as much as dad's retirement, confident, outspoken.. It more or less summed up what would have been a successful persona, just that it came too early in life. And in the same manner as 2-minute maggi satisfying your appetite for that moment but never quite being chinese, lightning struck me too and in the most complicated way. I dint know what the issue was!
Its easy when u see your problem, better to handle when you know what aches, but what when something's bothering you and you really don't know what it is? When you wake up daily knowing you're the luckiest on the planet and still not able to smile. When u party hard all night just to forget something, and you don exactly know what, and no.. You've not forgotten it! Other like-minded, similar experiencing friends of yours finally gave it a name. They called it 'Quarter life Crisis'. Easier now, you at least know what it is.
And it was at the prime of this stage, when life was long gone dead that someone dropped down from the place many called paradise! He was just a guy I might see as I cross the road daily with not much as a glance straight-faced, upto the point, seemingly serious. But as I got down to doing the same menial job all over again, I found him change it all. From as simple as the way I work, to the way I think, he made me fall in love with everything around me, again. Now when I woke up I had a smile that previously was never there, I stopped pausing near the office entrance wondering whether to enter, I changed my wardrobe and did a makeover, I started walking with that joyful skip again! And amidst all of this QLC disappeared, as suddenly as it had come. When, where, how, well I really was not concerned. Because.something which I had tried with all the knowledge I could garner on positove energies was done without a sound. And with that cloud out of my sky I was able to see what was till now hidden. I knew what I wanted to do. I got a direction.
Weeks later when I was asked how it all happened, I dint have an answer. I really don't know what he did. Maybe he was a catalyst to make me feel good about myself, to show me how to love my work, to bring me out of the loneliness I was feeling in that place till then. He was my dewdrop, just there for those few moments in the early hours of a long day, but to give me the hope that its gonna be a beautiful day ahead.

Breaking Free

I want to break free,

From bonds that held me tight

From the feelings that refused to let go

From the thoughts that made me stop.

I wanted to make my own choices,

Choose my own path, carve a niche for myself

While people loved to pull me towards their wishes,

Forcing me to dream their dreams.

It’s all so easy to be bogged down,

To give up and say goodbye,

To all things dear to you, to all things you care.

Your aspirations, your goals, everything which makes you YOU.

Ever since I started to dream,

Ever since I tried to fly,

I only found boundaries and limits, rules and curfews,

Someone to stop me, hold me back against my dreams.

Life seemed all so simple before,

When I never knew what I wanted,

When I felt content with every bead in my string,

When I never asked “Why not?”

And that’s where it all started,

A simple question, a small doubt,

A growing argument, a never ending fight,

A terrible silence, with people who loved me the most.

I want to dance till my legs ache,

Sing till my throat sores,

I just want to laugh loud, only wanted to cry,

From the bottom of my heart.

I want to see the rising sun, feel the first rain,

I want to live the way I wish to,

I want to fly away, break free, just be myself,

For that simple moment called Life.

Dangerous 'Hi'

A simple word, an innocent smile, a careless brush, a sudden look. All that is needed to start a relationship, any for that matter, is just a simple beginning. And as you tread deeper down, the way it evolved ends up being a mystery.
All through my simple and extremely short life I've met a whole lot of people, each different from another and at each point I've felt enough is enough; my small brain won't be able to handle any more! But the world smiles back and says "you've not seen anything yet!". And then I exchange a smile with another stranger and the person is never a stranger again.
But why do I do that without a thought? Why do I so easily welcome people into my life, knowing that even a small tremor in my carefully built world will cause a long term havoc to my being? Why do I trust so easily in spite of all I've seen? And why is it that after it all gets over I still believe in the goodness in people?
I might never be the one to start the conversation, but I've always welcomed the ones that are directed to me with nothing less than the widest smile I could conjure up. Even if for a second I never give it another thought. Who is this person, where did they come from, what they mean to the world, what the world means to them! Because at that moment I just needed an outlet to listen to my rantings, to tell me theirs, and I just don't bother who is standing there ready to be of service! And little do I know that soon after when I start to wish that we had just been 2 strangers never crossing others paths, the damage will be already done.
It's not that I won't do that mistake again. I know I'll step out into the street tomorrow and exchange a smile with yet another person and the cycle starts again. Still for that moment I do wonder why that 'hi' had to ever be exchanged. And that's when I remember a sweet saying "Life never gives you the people you want.. It gives you the people you need.. To teach you, to hurt you, to love you, to confuse you, to mold you and to make you exactly what you ought to be.. The Best!". And I smile. Maybe at this moment I wonder why you were written on my pages, but sooner I would know for sure!

Whose loss is it anyways?

We were never the best of friends, we were never even friends. There was many a time when we had our hot arguments followed by cold wars but that didn't make us enemies either. God had willed us both to be bound together by a relationship considered divine and sometimes even above himself, but that just didn't seem to be taking us through the desired direction, at least in my eyes. And after 2 years as I face my first cold war within a month of getting back home, I wonder what had gone so wrong between us.
I've always tried to visualize those first moments of my entry into this world and try to hear what was running through her mind, when she first saw me, held me in those hands, heard my first cry, fed me that first taste of outside world. Did she ever know that I would grow up to be such a rebel, a disobedient, ungrateful, haughty woman. Maybe she saw those first strains when a little under three, I ran away from home on a whim (I have no idea what I was planning to do then), all because she refused to let me open the door. But that didn't deter her from losing that hope she had in me, the hope that I would grow to be the woman she had dreamt of probably when her eyes first rested on me. And like all other women of her genre, her whole world revolved around me until my brother came by five years later. Not that the revolutions stopped after that. It just got more frantic. From cooking different dishes to suit all our likes, to keeping the house neat and tidy especially with three kids(which includes my dad) who loved throwing their stuff around with no order whatsoever, to taking care of us when we fell sick, she did it all. And somewhere in the midst of all this we grew distant.
Maybe the fault was all mine, maybe I gave up too soon, or as always I can blame it on that mega fat ego I hold which doesn't distinguish between people. And finally after a point it just was irreparable. I hate the fact that she stopped me from doing things I loved the most. And I hate it more that this restriction made me do those very same things along with some jhatkas and matkas all without her knowledge. I hate the fact that she didn't understand most things I tried to explain but my dad actually did. And I hate it even more that in spite of all that there are some things I really cant tell him. I hate the fact she tells me I'm dark and then when I try to lighten my color she goes berserk about it. I hate it that she acts like she knows all about everything. And I hate that she really does!
And as always I wonder what I can do to make her feel at least good, if not proud, about me. I've just tried to do as much as this tiny house-keeping portion of my brain can guide me to, but it always falls short of what she expects. Now why does she expect more!?! I clean the table, she says table-mats not cleaned, I clean them, she says they're not in order, I put them in order, she says glasses not cleaned, I clean that she says bottle not filled with water, I fill that up, she tells me I didn't clean it before I filled it, I do that and it's time to lay the table-mats again for the next supper! And then she signs off telling how slow I am, how I cant live if I'm this way, of how hundreds of women my age manage their houses and work so well that she feels... she feels embarrassed to say I'm her daughter?
It just feels that no matter what I do, it's just never enough, never right and I'm just not able to meet that mark. And after one point, I just stopped trying, I quit you could say. I felt this wasn't what I was meant to be doing. And I didn't want to give my energy and heart and soul on something that was not even on the top 10 things I wanted to do in life. I don't have a top 10 but let's leave that for some other day! But yes, I felt I was wasting my time. Because I just could never please, so why even try? And that's how distant we grew. So much so that right now she's making that fish curry or fry, I'm really not sure, while I sit in front of my favorite pastime and bitch about her. Yes, I accept, I'm the most ungrateful thing that could have ever happened to her and she's the best that can ever happen to me and now I wonder again. Why did God will this?

Letting my hair down!

All my school life I have been this controlled restrained girl who loved to do the unusual stuff but never succeeded beyond dreaming about the same, because I never could pull up myself to take control of a life which I knew even then didn't fully belong to me. Weird as it might seem nothing I did was ever something I really wanted to do, but I somehow learnt to turn it around in a way that makes it fun for me. There are people in this world who say 'I am what I wanted to be'. Good for them but all the same I'll just say 'I love what I have been and what I am right now!'. Somehow I've never regretted anything that I did in my life till now and one thing I loved the most about what I've done over the years was learning to live on my own terms do my own simple things without having to much hurt those around me. To go wild, shout out at the top of my voice even if it's my office, do a small hip-hop when I'm happy, sing that jingle when I feel like it, go "woo hoo" when a cute guy smiles at me, be mean on the road, be sweet on the phone, simply, do stuff just because at that moment I feel like doing it. And yesterday I broke that control over one more factor in my life which I really ain't sure would be there for long! I somehow was able to let my guard down to the point where I went berserk doing stuff which I've seen everyone around me do! Everyday I feel it can't get better than this but each day in my life is out there to prove me wrong. And with each step to letting myself loose I find the whole horizon widening out more! Life is out-of-the-worldly amazing!

Just looking..

Sunday morning 09.45 am: Concluding the Church service the priest makes announcements along with his comments on how his parishers should handle their spiritual life. The girl, her usual restless self, searches for any unfamiliar face in the family of familiar faces. And that's when she sees him. Indifferent to what was happening around him and despite all the annoyed stares cast on someone who defies the norms, the boy sits along the corridor parapet, musing over something. She shrinks her brows, turns to her mom and whispers something. And while the priest was teaching his people how to behave in the church the mom leans forward to give the boy a moment of her time. She lets out a comment and grins to add on. The girl giggles and they both go return back to the priest's discourse.
Sometime later 09.50 am: The priest repeats his stuff over and over again like a broken record and the girl loses interest. She turns back to the other side scans through the crowd and in the course through the window sees the guy again, only this time he looks up at the same instant and their eyes lock, for that brief second. He smirks, she frowns and turns back to face the altar.
Further down 09:55 am: "Now why the hell was he looking at me?" and the girl turns back to see if that eyes are still looking and truly enough there they are, the smirk now turning to a smile, more like one from amusement. The girl gets more annoyed and turns back and they both get to their own worlds, probably never to meet again.
Something I've experienced so many times and felt so amused about. The fact that one look in which both parties for that second lock eyes soon turns to be one where the stares continue maybe with each one trying to see if the other is still looking. Now that is how it starts always. You walk on the street looking here and there, at buildings, at animals and of course at people. But at some moment if the person your eyes chanced upon also chanced upon you, there comes the crux. You start thinking why he was 'staring' at you(of course you forget you were 'looking' at him too). It's funny how when you look it's just a look and when they do it's a stare. Then you wonder if he is 'staring' at you right now. And you turn back. At the same time this person might have thought the same thing and he turns back too. There you go. Both look/stare again! And this goes on and on and on, till you are out of sight! It mainly humors me to know that if this was taken forward with a 'hi' with regular conversations and finally a relationship people would actually be calling that first look as "love at first sight". And I start counting how many of those I have already missed!