Loaned and alone

We aren't who we want to be. We are what the society demands. We are what our parents choose. We don't want to disappoint anyone, we have a great need to be loved. So we smother the best in us. Gradually, the light of our dreams turns into the monster of our nightmares. They become things not done, possibilities not lived.

  -Adultery, Paulo Coehlo

She woke up in the morning and looked around. Nothing had changed. The colors on the wall, the table at the side, the wooden cupboard so carefully designed and built, the wine red curtains softly caressing the window sill. She smiled, like always. A thin lifeless smile. It was the same things she had seen as she closed her eyelids last night. There was no waking up from this dream.

Maybe that's what she had always hoped for. That one fine day she would wake and things would change, drastically. But then, little did she know that the world was as boring as it gets, nothing happens here unless you make it happen. That this wasn't a fairy tale, where one fine morning fairy godmother appears and grants wishes or removes problems with a swish of a wand. Oh, how much she hoped it was. And she blamed them for making her believe, for making her hope, for making her dream.

What did I do for you to love me thus?

You forgave me with total disregard to the treatment I meted out to You, You loved me while I was filled with hate, You cared for me when all I could give was apathy, You protected me while I surrounded myself with negligence, You comforted me when all I did was rebel, You yearned for me when what I wanted was separation. But I just kept running, far far away, through long winding tunnels, unknown fields, black waters, till my legs could run no more, till my strength drained me. But the road still kept going on. It just didn't seem to end. And when I looked back, You were still waiting where I left You, arms wide open, ready to embrace me the minute I rushed back, no matter when that was. You were waiting with a smile, which told me it was alright, which had already forgiven me even before I turned to look.
And I turn that foot towards your side, ready to come back, but I see that I've run too far. There are so many stones that have cut my feet, there have been many a thorn which have pierced my veins, pushing their venom deep inside. I want to rush back into Your arms, I want to feel safe in Your embrace again, but this girl who comes back is not the same one who left. So much has changed and I wonder if I would be able to love You the same way again. In the way I believed. That no one could love You as much as I did. But then I don't know if I can ever love anyone as much as I did You. It sometimes seems incredulous, that I could feel so much for someone I had never seen before. But I know I did and I also know its difficult to feel that for someone else again. Not that I want to, but then I regret more that I wont be able to do it for someone who really does deserve it. Will I ever be able to love You the way You did me? Unconditional, unwavering and diligent. Will I ever be able to come back to You, the way I left?

To make you feel one day, the way you make me feel everyday..

Special, blessed and proud.

Politics and religion

God..
That was a word which was a part of my life every day, an average of at least ten times each day, in some form or the other. And coming from a family that would rather miss breakfast than a Sunday service, I ended up being deeply involved in my church and its associations. At times too deeply that before I even got to pass my SSLC, I got to see the grey shades of a church its members swore by. And despite its colours I found myself more endeared towards it. After all the blood that coursed my veins(and arteries) was heavily mixed the suriani christiani spirit. Ohh, ur a catholic? "No!!!". A protestant. "Oh please no!". Then? What else is there? "I'm an eastern orthodox". A what?
I come from a sect based out of Kerala perched on the western edge of India where every religion has multiple divisions. That is how religions survive in this country, by subdividing and re-dividing based on the cultural differences governing each state, each region. Each sect traces back their roots to the dinosaurs.. at least they try to; and when that fails at least to the dark ages or bright sages!
Mine doesn't do all that. We accept that we are quite recent, after Christ(anno domini), and that our ancestors were actually brahmins(so there, we are Hindu descendants, but hey brahmin ok!), and we aren't really interested in expansion(we are struggling to keep our remaining folk with ourselves so where's the talk about expansion). But then, can any good come from Nazareth? So, of course, our claim is that we were directly baptised by St. Thomas himself, so u see, we are called the St. Thomas Christians. Or in more official terms, I am a member of the Malankara Syrian Orthodox Church. With a history that is as rich, colourful and diverse as our name itself. So there, in a short and sweet way, is the basic history lesson that I have got used to parroting every time someone goes "Ohh ur a catholic?". Please, not again!
Long back a friend asked me whether I was religious and I told him I was more spiritual. Recently another asked me the same question and I was confused. Not because I was not spiritual, that had only increased, but because I was also religious but in a different way. I was politically religious. I'm not even sure if that term is a fabrication of my own, but its a term that can be associated with a lot of people of my church. We are all politically religious. We are more involved in the politics of the church rather than its spiritual aspect. We love to revel in the posts and associations set up around the church more to show our leadership skills rather than for the growth of the church. And like all hard core keralites we love power. We love to be in control, not under control. But what we forget is that, to be in control we eventually have to be under control of someone. Unless we own the whole thing. Which being a religious institution we can't. God owns it. Even saying that sounds funny. But well ya, like it was shown in a not-so-recent Bollywood movie, God owns all of it. Oh My God!

Revelations 2013

It's easy to smile when you're future is not really clear. It's easier when you all your beliefs point towards good times. It's easiest when you for sure know it's going to be awesome. But what when your heart shouts out loud that it's going to be downhill, that things might just get worse, though its still uncertain you don't seem to see any flicker of a hope of good times? I guess then you're allowed to feel down and depressed, you're allowed to sound like a different person, you're allowed to act weird and closed.. after all it's your life that seems so bleak.

But does that mean you forever stay that way? When that happens it is a shock, especially since you're not prepared for it. You envision your life to be a bed of roses and suddenly you find that roses have long been outsold. But then, life goes on. You see a different perspective, try a different formula, its a change in the course of your otherwise insane life. And what do you do? Just like the fish you adapt. You change, try different styles and finally settle on something which makes you happy and keeps you safe in your new home. You don't survive, you are not born to survive. You were born to Live.

The last try

I cant believe I tried again. Despite all the misgivings, I still tried. I should have just kept quiet. I would have at least been in the hope that you might have done something if you knew. But no, I had to call. I had to try one last time. I always do it. And I fell flat. It hurts you know. You have no idea how much it hurts. At least you could have tried. You could have lied. A word of comfort. Tell me its okay. Tell me that you would find a solution. Tell me you would work it out. But no. You had to be blunt. At this time. At this moment. When I am so far away and I actually took the pains to call you. When despite trying my best to show you how I feel you still dint notice.

It makes me wonder now. Is it my imagination? Am I just over-hyping the whole thing? Do you really love and care for me the way I think you do? Am I not being a fool trying to sacrifice the rest of my tomorrow because I think I took your yesterday? But did I really take it? Isn't it more like something you were obsessed with and you just dedicated your life for your obsession. Just like any other person would do. You did what you felt you did your best. And then had me believe that it was sacrifice. It all just falls into place. And it looks like this whole big drama. The entire world was acting. Every single person. Because at any point of time humans just need someone to be obsessed over. You just need that contact, any contact. Deep inside each of us want to express our feelings, whether the other person likes it or not, needs it or not. I was one such victim.. and you had me believed that it was love.

I don't think I'd ever forget today. When I thought so much before making that call, when for the past few weeks I've always been staring at the phone and wanting to make that call but restraining myself because I thought it would hurt you. I thought it would hurt you to know I was hurt. But no, you're hurt because I'm defying you, you're hurt because I rebelled. I didn't expect a solution, but then, I didn't expect to be chided. Not that tone, not now. And like that, I understand that tears are useless. Its lost its purpose. Whoever said tears can melt mountains was a fool. Tears do nothing. They just show your weak and give the other person strength to crush you over more. I was born stronger. I was created to do better things. I've done enough of crying. Its been too long of a useless life. I better find a purpose.

This one's for you

Sometimes in life you should understand that that sort of mad, crazy love doesn't happen twice.. that tingling feeling which starts in your toes and reveberates right till your hair strands. But instead of fretting over the fact that it might not happen again we should just be happy it at least happened. We wouldn't go to our graves having not experienced something that awesome.

Life after this might be boring, but then we need to celebrate what had gone by. Of course it would be hard and you would start wishing you could get back. Those are few low moments we need to live through, a punishment for having experienced something very few are privy to. But when it has passed, don't forget to smile and hold your head high. You've tread on paths few have dared to step on.

Why??

Bcos it was deemed to be this way. Bcos you showed me that life's not fair. Bcos you tried to make me who I was not. Bcos I wasn't strong enough to rebel too loud. Bcos there are words that are shouting to be heard. Bcos your backs towards me are turned. Bcos my pillow sees unshed tears; it quietly softens to soothe my fears. Bcos I tried to express myself, just to be alluded to devil's own self. Bcos heart and mind fight an epic battle, either wins or loses, the hurt's still mine. Bcos I found an easy way out, to make me smile through clouds and drought.
Bcos I've got this feeling of having sacrificed too much. Bcos I feel I've lived your life all my life. Bcos I think I'm letting go of all my dreams of tomorrow, for the one reason that your yesterday was mine. Bcos I could let go and live in limbo. Bcos I could live my way and live in inferno. Bcos so long I always had a chance. Bcos the tag forever was never attached to my choice.
Bcos I suddenly fear you don't really care. Bcos I started doubting my own reasons in despair. Bcos it pushes me to overstep the border. Bcos it makes me want to do things I felt taboo. Bcos the mind is sadly way too complex, the way it twists n turns even rivers give in. Bcos I need to know to let go, to close my eyes say a prayer and trust in the one above.
Bcos all said I need that physical touch. Bcos I need to experience more than just imagine. Bcos deep down inside I'm just a little girl confused and scared and not ready to express.. for fear of hurting the ones who care, of being a trouble to those who love.
Bcos as you see it's all about me, the I, the mine, not you, they or we.

A blink too long

I have always been the complaining girl, never happy with what I have. But especially with her I was even more. I always wanted her permanent attention, every second, every place. I could never be happy with no matter how much she gave me. There was always something missing. And I kept demanding more. But the catch was.. the demand was always in my mind. I couldn't bring myself to openly ask her to give me what I felt she should. And this was because deep inside I did know she was giving me her all, that even a little bit more of my asking would be a selfish call, and also because there was no return from my side.

Still, I cant help but think out loud when I was denied what I required the most. An attention to a slight change in my mood, disturbance in my mind, a trough in my heart. And being the transparent person I am, it pained even more that she wasn't able to see through those emotions widely visible on my being. She closed her eyes on me on my most vulnerable moment.

So why didn't I go up to her and complain? Tell her she needed to notice, tell her I was hurt she missed me, that she overlook something right in front of her eyes? I guess the distance had grown..but maybe I just had that ego deep inside that I needed her to find out, I wanted her to look up and ask why.

There are times I wonder why we have this ego to the people we love the most, the ones who are the most closest to us. How I so easily forgive and let go for the superficial friends but am quite adamantly determined to make my life worse by always having that silent fight with the most important ones. All because right now they missed a moment, because today they didn't see my silent tears, because they forgot to check in perfectly when I needed it the most. And that made me forget all those years, the million moments, the warm hugs to silently console me. I complain because they weren't there "now" but I forget they were always there "then". How I so want them to always have their eyes open for me, their words ready to advise me, their arms open to embrace me. Its a selfish demand I agree, but then its something that can be accepted especially when the bond is quite strong. At some point in our lives we will always have someone, that someone for whom we would wish to be the center of their lives, just like they are ours. Sometimes its one person, sometimes a few more, but there always will be one constant, someone who would have had to be the receiver of all our mood swings and still be ready to share her arms when we run back to it. And when she decides to look away to a different view, even if for a few moments alone. That is when we fall down the most.

Somebody's angel

... Sitting in his car sipping a mega size booster juice and talking random non-sense that I normally do while he munched on his nutrition snack, the conversation slowly veered to how we met. Looking at me he smiled and said "My room-mate had just left and I felt I would soon be pushed into the well of depression again. I was scared about what would befell and didnt want to be there once more. And that's when like an angel you entered my life"...

He would never know how much those words meant to me. Like I mostly do when caught unawares with no words to reply( back then I never even used to "awwww"), I gave the widest smile I could with a slight blush seen and left it at that. Years down everytime I recollected that conversation to people, it made me feel good, made me feel special, made me feel awesome about myself. And sitting miles away, ignorant to all this, he had frozen that moment in my life.. forever.

Not everyone can be a Mahatma or a Mother Theresa. I cant even be a good daughter or sister at times needed. But does that mean we do not have a part in this world? That the world wouldn't miss us if we weren't there? Not really. Every portion of our life is filled with small bits of purposes, purposes that even we may not be aware of, things we do even without our own knowledge. We may spend our entire life just passing through and never realize how much of a value we have added.. to that stranger on the road when we smiled at him, to a long-forgotten friend when we suddenly called her, to a struggling colleague when we helped them out, to that granny when we held her hand as she climbed down the stairs. Maybe if you were not there in that moment, someone else would have and that help would anyways be given. But you were chosen to be there, and that mark is made. You become part of the cycle of joy that circulates around, even if just for a short moment, and radiates from the world. For those few seconds at least, the world is a happier place for someone, because you were a part of it.

But sadly we live in a thankless world. Or in most cases those people are just as speechless as I was with a fear to spoil that magical moment with words too plain or inappropriate. But that doesnt mean your deed was forgotten. It just means that even words couldn't explain how much your help meant.

My life has been made up of so many magical moments like that. People just come in and sprinkle miracles as if they were just created for me. Sometimes it makes me feel blessed, but at the end of it I feel guilty.. of not having told them how much more special my life had been because they cared to share their time in it. Of course he called me his angel, but little did he know what I felt about him. In a city far away from home, with not many friends and no one to selflessly help, he was my friend, family, teacher. He drove me around, shopped with me, showed me the city in its brightness and afterwards, made me smile, made me think, made me fight, made me feel at ease in taking control over him, advised me, teased me, cared for me. So much so even I could say "I would have experienced depression way too early. But then like an angel you entered my life".