Minutes to Ravanan

Usure poguthey usure poguthey udhayte née konjam suzhikayile....
Listening to karthik's voice to ARR'a music. That's how I'm doing my wait for the most hyped about movie in Indian cinema. Raavan and Raavanan releasing on June 18th world over. And lucky that I am it is releasing here too, in Denver, just an hour's drive away from me. The time difference had made sure that my Indian friends get to see it a day earlier than I did, but I'm not complaining. Well I dint even think I might get to watch it today. But as I wait I remember that day I'm gurgaon where we got to watch a Tamil movie after so long a time and how it felt, how the crowd cheered and whistled and commented, for every word that came out. How it felt like I was back home, back in chennai. And now I wonder, will it be the same here. In spite of all changes, the different culture and the rigid discipline that these seemigly have, will I be lucky enough to hear the cheers n shouts again? In Denver?

Blogging thru the iTouch

After mailing, chatting, facebook and twiterrific now I've got something else that I can try using my iTouch. Blogging. And this being my first post let me just describe how it feels to use this and express what I feel. Maybe it's more like now I don't need to switch on the comp or wait to get to office to express what I feel. I just need the net and I'm good to go, ready to put up anything I feel as and when I do it. Well it is quite different than typing something in the keyboard and my iTouch doesn't seem to make me feel awesome each time I try to type something using the skin of my fingers. Oh yes! Apple doesn't work with the finger nails or even gloved hands. It needs ur skin to make any sort of action possible on it. And adding the out of the world display n feel each moment with it makes me feel special.

Looking back after 2 months

The last post I had written here was when I first stepped into this country, a lone girl in a foreign place, no family, no friends. Scared?? Like hell I was! With a whole 3 months ahead of me, I really didn't know what would become of me in the bargain. But I had taken the step and so had to face it. Two months down and I can say I'm still sane, which means I survived. And it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Each day I just found something more. I could survive quite easily in new surroundings. I embrace change, though I show out that I hate it, I could adjust to a new place, new people and totally new environment without much ado! I was bored in the beginning, but then I kept myself busy, so much so I don't have time for myself now. I learnt new stuff, saw quite a few changes in me(though I still am the unpunctual,Miss Procrastination) and opened my eyes more to the wonders the village I was in beheld. I found people who were so ready to help me out each time I needed it, that most times I never knew how I got so lucky. Whether to drop me home, get me great home cooked food, give a ride to the airport or even a small shopping endeavor. I had company for everything which made sure I was never lonely or out on my own. I opened doors to a whole set of new exercises I would never have had the chance to try back home, be it dance or yoga. I never missed the television because my ever-willing-to-help roomie gave me a free Netflix card to keep me busy for the entire time that I would be here. Maybe I just got lucky! I just had too much help that let me settle in here. But I do know that its always the first time that's the most difficult. And it feels nice to have made it. Now as I look back, I see a different me going back home, hopefully for the better. Next time I hope they send me Europe. :D

My first step into the New World

I had been here before, same project, same client. I could say I knew most stuff about this city in and out. I had traveled from the east to the west coast, up north to down south, done a road trip, met a minor accident, got caught with cops, lost my senses, played tennis in temperatures as low as -10C, went walking during a winter storm, drove a dodge avenger on the roads of Detroit, felt the rain on New York Streets, the wind in Chicago and sea breeze in San Francisco. Of course there was a major part of the country I had not set foot into but the fact remained. I was as at ease taking a metro in NYC as I was doing the same in Delhi.

And still in spite of all the familiarity when I was told to come all the way here again, but on my own, it did make me reconsider, wonder whether I need to do this, whether I need to come all this way on my own. It's the safest place in the US of A, that's what many said, nothing to fear especially since I knew the people I'd be working with, I knew the routes and knew where to get what. But in spite of it all, staying for three months in the quietest place I had ever seen, with no friends and so far away from home? Now that was a question I had to ponder for long. And when I finally had been done with all my confusions, I decided to plunge into it, because I had always been the one ready to move out, explore new things and find out how more beautiful the world could be. I wanted to see how these mountains looked without the white paint on them. I wanted to walk on those streets without any winter jackets on. But most important, I wanted to gain the confidence that I could survive in a foreign land all on my own. I wanted to reassure myself that if I could travel half the world away from home and still enjoy, I could do anything in this world. I was independent, I was free, I was the girl I wanted to be. And though the fears inside me are still trying to pull me down I could lift myself up from them, show out that I was strong despite all the weakness within me, that I was here to win against all.

Like never before and guess never after

When i stepped out of my car in front of nuts n spices, little did i know what was awaiting us. Scared to park the car on the road for fear of it being noticed i stepped into her house to change my formal wear into something interesting. Amidst approvals from Miss Bewafa and Miss What's In, I made myself presentable and finally zoomed past the busy roads to our next destination. There was awaiting another car to take us to our destination or should I say destinations? From one end of the city we travel to the other end, whether it was to buy water or stationary. And then the first cake was cut on the side of a beach just like I always wanted. Maybe it would have been beautiful a lil more into the waters, but then still the same. I had a birthday buddy, sharing my same day but born a few years before and we reveled in all the attention we got. The journey later on was like on a travel through the clouds. The voices only got more nonsensical, the music louder, and the car faster. We don't remember how we got back to the place that we started, but we did know that the many destinations that we set foot on during the course of it. And whether i remember it or not, the pictures are there to remind me, of the freakishness that was last night. The globe that I dropped on the table, surprise being broken, "So are u really surprised?" asked for the nth time, 7 people in one car, non-blondes in a non-tinted car, the malliga-saaman list to "Mom"(He has a cool mother macha!), the 8 min and 8 month controversies, puking, puking and more puking, dancing with unknowns, unseens and the final kuthu for our kudumba kuthuvillakku. I now think how better could it have got, and I know it just couldn't get any better. When I woke up in the morning with a heavy weight on my head, I knew I had reached the limit. I had achieved it all and there was nothing more to it. I was finally over 23 and loving each moment. Looking back the year had been a first for so much in my life. So many ups and downs and confusions by the million. There was so much laughter as there were tears, so much confidence as there were fears. And I survived them all and still live today. It was the best befitting reply to a sexy, risky, ever filled with change year gone by. And it just could not have got any better.

Not just for bad times.

I loved writing. And especially more on paper than typing it down. Maybe I just loved seeing my handwriting on paper. But then it was an outlet for my feelings, more so the confused ones which I felt got more light when I wrote them all down. The positive, the negative and the neutral all blended in together, not to give me solutions but at least to make my heart lighter and mind clearer. But I took up the book only when I felt sad or lost. I always had people to spend it with when I was happy. There was not a moment when I felt great and had to suppress it within myself. So my blog never had the good things that touched. Reading it more seemed like I had only sorrows throughout leading to a wretched life, when that was just not true. I put that in because good times were shared with friends (not really Kingfisher) but the sad ones I preferred to keep it to myself and when they got too big for me, I wrote it all down. But now I feel just awesome. After what happened last night I really don't know if I can share it enough to get over it. And so here it goes. The first fun-loving post after string of sad ones. One that made me happy and a bit sad too.

Always there for me.

As I cried my heart out last night I wondered why that Messiah whom I always used to call out to suddenly left me alone. He was not there to console me as He always did, to hold me tight and tell me it would be alright, to quietly put me to sleep, to tell me He loved me more than anyone else ever could. I felt lonely, I felt lost. And taking up that cellphone I dialed the only person I could think of to pull me out this sorrow.

And he picked up the call. At 1 am in the morning when the whole world was deep in their dreams, in spite of all his weariness, he picked up my call. It was a just a hello that was needed, the feeling that my call was answered, that someone had made sure his ears were open for me, no matter what the hour is. That simple assurance was enough. He has not always been there for me, not when I wanted to tell him I got a job, when I wanted to throw a tantrum, when I simply wanted to say Hi. But he was there when I was hurt and had nowhere to turn to. And that's what I needed the most. He was older, wiser and knew relationship traumas and feelings more. He was able to sense my pain though I didn't know the words to express it in, he could feel my tears though I wasn't there before him. He knew exactly how I felt, what I thought. And with each word he said, I felt my sadness being blown away, just in a matter of some time.

Maybe I was wrong all along. My Messiah was there by my side. He told me whom to call when I needed it most. He knew what was best for me. And He led me to the green pastures, by the cool waters to soothe my mind as He always did.

When a friend turns stranger.

He looked so familiar, like someone I knew back in college, and so agreed all my friends. Though I was never interested in this tall, dark, wierdo and even had moments of snubbing and shunning between ourselves, destiny willed otherwise. It brought us together in a twisted, unforseen way and we started talking. And there began a series of late night talks trying to outdo each other, sharing so much and finding a lot in common. Long walks, night outs, spending more than half or all our time together and enjoying it, loving it, living it. I had some of the best moments I could ever imagine. Or was it all just an act? Was there ever something common that tied us together?

Now when I stand at a distance looking at that same someone, I feel all those cords had been broken somehow, but how, when and where. Without even me knowing about it. Now a person I knew from head to tail, each smile, each grimace, every emotion, has suddenly turned a stranger. A stranger in a land that was always colorful only because he lived in it too. In a land that has also turned harsher and bitter to me just as he has. A land that waits for every opportunity to put me down and tell me I'm not worth a dime. I feel all so lonely in foreign place missing the one person I loved as a friend, more than a friend. But where has he gone? Why does he not understand? Or is it my fault as it always seems to be?

The 50 days lent.

During my younger days this was just a terrible period every month when we had to say no to my favorite food items all for the love of Christ (as my mom had put it). I never knew why, what it meant, except the fear that if I didn't I probably may be cursed. Years later I did it voluntarily because I needed favors from him. I used to think that if I took this lent I would be blessed with this, that and all the worldly things I asked for. The child in me didn't know that God's love didn't work that way, and that all my blessings all through life was not because I refrained from eating animals! But because He loved me. Now that I'm past all of that, why do I still take it. Because I feel this is a reason for me to have control over stuff that he does not like. Because I know that if I can try and control it for 50 days at a stretch I can easily do that for 6 months, for a year and maybe for a lifetime. And that's the entire reason. To make me live the way He wants me to live, to follow the path He has laid out, to finally reach Him as His little princess. I'm not perfect. And I have not been able to control most things in this 10 days itself. I've lost control many times, but I'm trying. That's the whole big deal. To try and try till you succeed. After that there's no looking back. I might have understood the need for lent quite late in life. But I'm glad I did now. My needs are still selfish. It is so that I can be better. But then I'm sure now it matches with what my Lord above wants too.

Losing my control, getting mean again.

There was always this mean bitch sleeping right within me. And I knew it too. Guess I never wanted it to come out, which is good. And over the years I learnt just how to control it and make it dormant, make it sleep within myself never to come out ever. It was difficult, because I had all the qualities they say a girl should never have. I was short-tempered(highly), impatient(to the max), could lie in the blink of an eye with not so much as a feeling of remorse, and could imagine and wish for the worst things to happen to anyone who crossed my line. But over the years, with the help of the Only One who comes forward when you need Him the most, no matter how much you have turned Him out of your life and hurt Him, I developed this mask of being the sweet girl that people started loving to be with. I learnt to be calm, composed, never flaring up, except if with my parents or brother. And that was alright, because they are family, and they are the only ones who stay for you till the end of time. So here I was this sweet li'l girl every person was talking about until one fine day it just blew up. I turned back to be the bitchy girl, shouting at people losing my control over all the small stuff that normally leaves me untouched. And what created this change? What made me lose my screws? May be the ones who stay with me would know better. I just learnt that the people surrounding you to have a large influence on how you turn out. Because now I can see myself use words I used to shun away from. That's why they say company matters. Even when you're old with broken teeth, company does matter.