Whose loss is it anyways?

We were never the best of friends, we were never even friends. There was many a time when we had our hot arguments followed by cold wars but that didn't make us enemies either. God had willed us both to be bound together by a relationship considered divine and sometimes even above himself, but that just didn't seem to be taking us through the desired direction, at least in my eyes. And after 2 years as I face my first cold war within a month of getting back home, I wonder what had gone so wrong between us.
I've always tried to visualize those first moments of my entry into this world and try to hear what was running through her mind, when she first saw me, held me in those hands, heard my first cry, fed me that first taste of outside world. Did she ever know that I would grow up to be such a rebel, a disobedient, ungrateful, haughty woman. Maybe she saw those first strains when a little under three, I ran away from home on a whim (I have no idea what I was planning to do then), all because she refused to let me open the door. But that didn't deter her from losing that hope she had in me, the hope that I would grow to be the woman she had dreamt of probably when her eyes first rested on me. And like all other women of her genre, her whole world revolved around me until my brother came by five years later. Not that the revolutions stopped after that. It just got more frantic. From cooking different dishes to suit all our likes, to keeping the house neat and tidy especially with three kids(which includes my dad) who loved throwing their stuff around with no order whatsoever, to taking care of us when we fell sick, she did it all. And somewhere in the midst of all this we grew distant.
Maybe the fault was all mine, maybe I gave up too soon, or as always I can blame it on that mega fat ego I hold which doesn't distinguish between people. And finally after a point it just was irreparable. I hate the fact that she stopped me from doing things I loved the most. And I hate it more that this restriction made me do those very same things along with some jhatkas and matkas all without her knowledge. I hate the fact that she didn't understand most things I tried to explain but my dad actually did. And I hate it even more that in spite of all that there are some things I really cant tell him. I hate the fact she tells me I'm dark and then when I try to lighten my color she goes berserk about it. I hate it that she acts like she knows all about everything. And I hate that she really does!
And as always I wonder what I can do to make her feel at least good, if not proud, about me. I've just tried to do as much as this tiny house-keeping portion of my brain can guide me to, but it always falls short of what she expects. Now why does she expect more!?! I clean the table, she says table-mats not cleaned, I clean them, she says they're not in order, I put them in order, she says glasses not cleaned, I clean that she says bottle not filled with water, I fill that up, she tells me I didn't clean it before I filled it, I do that and it's time to lay the table-mats again for the next supper! And then she signs off telling how slow I am, how I cant live if I'm this way, of how hundreds of women my age manage their houses and work so well that she feels... she feels embarrassed to say I'm her daughter?
It just feels that no matter what I do, it's just never enough, never right and I'm just not able to meet that mark. And after one point, I just stopped trying, I quit you could say. I felt this wasn't what I was meant to be doing. And I didn't want to give my energy and heart and soul on something that was not even on the top 10 things I wanted to do in life. I don't have a top 10 but let's leave that for some other day! But yes, I felt I was wasting my time. Because I just could never please, so why even try? And that's how distant we grew. So much so that right now she's making that fish curry or fry, I'm really not sure, while I sit in front of my favorite pastime and bitch about her. Yes, I accept, I'm the most ungrateful thing that could have ever happened to her and she's the best that can ever happen to me and now I wonder again. Why did God will this?

Letting my hair down!

All my school life I have been this controlled restrained girl who loved to do the unusual stuff but never succeeded beyond dreaming about the same, because I never could pull up myself to take control of a life which I knew even then didn't fully belong to me. Weird as it might seem nothing I did was ever something I really wanted to do, but I somehow learnt to turn it around in a way that makes it fun for me. There are people in this world who say 'I am what I wanted to be'. Good for them but all the same I'll just say 'I love what I have been and what I am right now!'. Somehow I've never regretted anything that I did in my life till now and one thing I loved the most about what I've done over the years was learning to live on my own terms do my own simple things without having to much hurt those around me. To go wild, shout out at the top of my voice even if it's my office, do a small hip-hop when I'm happy, sing that jingle when I feel like it, go "woo hoo" when a cute guy smiles at me, be mean on the road, be sweet on the phone, simply, do stuff just because at that moment I feel like doing it. And yesterday I broke that control over one more factor in my life which I really ain't sure would be there for long! I somehow was able to let my guard down to the point where I went berserk doing stuff which I've seen everyone around me do! Everyday I feel it can't get better than this but each day in my life is out there to prove me wrong. And with each step to letting myself loose I find the whole horizon widening out more! Life is out-of-the-worldly amazing!

Just looking..

Sunday morning 09.45 am: Concluding the Church service the priest makes announcements along with his comments on how his parishers should handle their spiritual life. The girl, her usual restless self, searches for any unfamiliar face in the family of familiar faces. And that's when she sees him. Indifferent to what was happening around him and despite all the annoyed stares cast on someone who defies the norms, the boy sits along the corridor parapet, musing over something. She shrinks her brows, turns to her mom and whispers something. And while the priest was teaching his people how to behave in the church the mom leans forward to give the boy a moment of her time. She lets out a comment and grins to add on. The girl giggles and they both go return back to the priest's discourse.
Sometime later 09.50 am: The priest repeats his stuff over and over again like a broken record and the girl loses interest. She turns back to the other side scans through the crowd and in the course through the window sees the guy again, only this time he looks up at the same instant and their eyes lock, for that brief second. He smirks, she frowns and turns back to face the altar.
Further down 09:55 am: "Now why the hell was he looking at me?" and the girl turns back to see if that eyes are still looking and truly enough there they are, the smirk now turning to a smile, more like one from amusement. The girl gets more annoyed and turns back and they both get to their own worlds, probably never to meet again.
Something I've experienced so many times and felt so amused about. The fact that one look in which both parties for that second lock eyes soon turns to be one where the stares continue maybe with each one trying to see if the other is still looking. Now that is how it starts always. You walk on the street looking here and there, at buildings, at animals and of course at people. But at some moment if the person your eyes chanced upon also chanced upon you, there comes the crux. You start thinking why he was 'staring' at you(of course you forget you were 'looking' at him too). It's funny how when you look it's just a look and when they do it's a stare. Then you wonder if he is 'staring' at you right now. And you turn back. At the same time this person might have thought the same thing and he turns back too. There you go. Both look/stare again! And this goes on and on and on, till you are out of sight! It mainly humors me to know that if this was taken forward with a 'hi' with regular conversations and finally a relationship people would actually be calling that first look as "love at first sight". And I start counting how many of those I have already missed!

And He was there..

He was never someone I knew much,

He was never someone I cared,

But somehow somewhere sometime in life,

He entered in to change my each day.

To show me the way to be care-free,

To speak my mind and play,

To show me how beautiful it would be

If I decided to live life my way.

He taught me how to love myself,

To be proud of what I am,

To never lose hope come what may be,

To never cry out aloud.

He joked, he laughed, chided and smirked,

Always there when I needed him most.

I can never say thanks in enough terms,

To that first love my self had found.

When life is down and going wrong

When I think I’ve faltered all and all,

When I have no one for miles beyond,

All I need to do is just stretch out.

And there he’ll be just at hand’s reach

To make me smile, to make my day,

To sing and laugh in his own sweet way.

To bring me back, to make me sane.

It may not mean anything to many,

A simple song that's no more a melody,

But deep down I know in all those days,

He was always there, all ready to care.

Bidding Goodbye

I never knew it would be so difficult to leave, especially when I had been in it just for a year. To say goodbye to a city though I was never in love with it and was waiting to get out. But as I pack up my bags and get ready to bid adieu a string inside pulls me back, makes me wanna stay a few minutes longer, a few moments more. I might never get the attention that I always got here, not the care that all around me showered upon me, because now as I leave this town I'm a year older, a little more mature than how I was when I first stepped in. Then it was all a wonder, those big 747's, the never ending corridors of Frankfurt, the huge glass buildings, cubicles where I could sleep in, the white lady who softly melted on my fingertips, speeding cars, amazing drives on the winding Interstates, displays that tricked to shop even if I dropped, the deals I checked online, the weather alerts on my desktop, maps i consulted on every travel. I could go on and on. On wonders this country offered me. It was different totally and it should be. I was 8800 miles away from my birthplace and on the other side of the world where the sun sets only at 9 at night but makes sure to rise at 5 every day. I was in a different sphere altogether and I enjoyed the changes it brought with it. I loved the attention I got here, the smiles on everyone's face, the tidings I received even from strangers, the life in each and every individual. So when I leave it all to go back home, while one part of me smiles at the thought of the chaats back home, the other weeps silently for having to let go.

Usure poguthey Usure poguthey..

One man's fall from infalliabilty. Another man's love in the midst of his robin hood life which leads to his downfall. One woman's boldness to look at hatred in the eye and turn it into love. A village's love for its redeemer in spite of his appearance to the outside so-called constitutional society. A sister's love for her brother which forces her to give up her honor. A brother's love for his sister which fuels his anger to take revenge for the blood she shed. The cunningness of a husband to manipulate his wife thus leading him to his prey. The movie showed what I always believed in. Imperfection in the perfect man and a handful of sincerity in the notorious one. The defiance of a wife against the mistrust of her husband. The love which was ready to let go just for the other to be happy. A modern version of an age old epic. The way it would have occurred had the characters existed today. Or it could have easily been a different angle on the most-heard about story in Indian mythology. The view from the villain's stand. The fall of the God. The same old good vs evil fight but this time the balances are swinging so vigorously that you will never have an idea as to which side was good and which side evil. Hats off to the genius for making another epic in his journey towards making meaningful cinema. This may be treated differently by people from different walks, but his Genius has just become stronger.

Raavanan - One person's deviation, one film's fall

And the song remained in my lips from thence forth. But it was not just the music that did the trick. Of course we cannot discredit Rahman with the genius he had poured into the movie. But that was not the only point that pulled me in. It was not just one genius who pulled through an awesome take on an epic that has been the folklore of India for ages, which has been entwined into the history of a country which would do anything to protect their culture, their beliefs, their Puranas. It was not a one-man show as could be seen in each detail that made sure the movie made its mark and stamped it right where it could not be not be overlooked. It was a blend of the best artists that my country had produced, a director known to have only made the best movies which were well ahead of his time, a music director who was now world renown, a cinematographer who was equally acclaimed in his field, choreographers, and of course actors old and new who delved so much into their character that the real person disappeared beneath the facade.

In such a power-filled environment a small mistake, a simple deviation from the whole would have broken the entire perfection that was build up. And this is exactly what happened in Raavanan. One man missed his act, lost his focus and delivered it wrong, at least did not deliver his perfect or his best, or even half his best, and that is where Raavanan slumped down. The entire effort had been put in with focus on 3 main protagonists and one of them slipped down, lost the chance to make his mark and pulled the entire movie down with him. There can be no comments made on how the movie would have turned out had he done his best just like the rest of them. The fact remains that he didn't and that is how the movie is now going to be viewed world-wide and everyone will feel just like most others did today. It was an awesome story but the soul was missing. And this just shows as to how much a single flaw could weaken an entire building. When the cornerstone is not set, nothing else matters.

Minutes to Ravanan

Usure poguthey usure poguthey udhayte née konjam suzhikayile....
Listening to karthik's voice to ARR'a music. That's how I'm doing my wait for the most hyped about movie in Indian cinema. Raavan and Raavanan releasing on June 18th world over. And lucky that I am it is releasing here too, in Denver, just an hour's drive away from me. The time difference had made sure that my Indian friends get to see it a day earlier than I did, but I'm not complaining. Well I dint even think I might get to watch it today. But as I wait I remember that day I'm gurgaon where we got to watch a Tamil movie after so long a time and how it felt, how the crowd cheered and whistled and commented, for every word that came out. How it felt like I was back home, back in chennai. And now I wonder, will it be the same here. In spite of all changes, the different culture and the rigid discipline that these seemigly have, will I be lucky enough to hear the cheers n shouts again? In Denver?

Blogging thru the iTouch

After mailing, chatting, facebook and twiterrific now I've got something else that I can try using my iTouch. Blogging. And this being my first post let me just describe how it feels to use this and express what I feel. Maybe it's more like now I don't need to switch on the comp or wait to get to office to express what I feel. I just need the net and I'm good to go, ready to put up anything I feel as and when I do it. Well it is quite different than typing something in the keyboard and my iTouch doesn't seem to make me feel awesome each time I try to type something using the skin of my fingers. Oh yes! Apple doesn't work with the finger nails or even gloved hands. It needs ur skin to make any sort of action possible on it. And adding the out of the world display n feel each moment with it makes me feel special.

Looking back after 2 months

The last post I had written here was when I first stepped into this country, a lone girl in a foreign place, no family, no friends. Scared?? Like hell I was! With a whole 3 months ahead of me, I really didn't know what would become of me in the bargain. But I had taken the step and so had to face it. Two months down and I can say I'm still sane, which means I survived. And it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Each day I just found something more. I could survive quite easily in new surroundings. I embrace change, though I show out that I hate it, I could adjust to a new place, new people and totally new environment without much ado! I was bored in the beginning, but then I kept myself busy, so much so I don't have time for myself now. I learnt new stuff, saw quite a few changes in me(though I still am the unpunctual,Miss Procrastination) and opened my eyes more to the wonders the village I was in beheld. I found people who were so ready to help me out each time I needed it, that most times I never knew how I got so lucky. Whether to drop me home, get me great home cooked food, give a ride to the airport or even a small shopping endeavor. I had company for everything which made sure I was never lonely or out on my own. I opened doors to a whole set of new exercises I would never have had the chance to try back home, be it dance or yoga. I never missed the television because my ever-willing-to-help roomie gave me a free Netflix card to keep me busy for the entire time that I would be here. Maybe I just got lucky! I just had too much help that let me settle in here. But I do know that its always the first time that's the most difficult. And it feels nice to have made it. Now as I look back, I see a different me going back home, hopefully for the better. Next time I hope they send me Europe. :D

My first step into the New World

I had been here before, same project, same client. I could say I knew most stuff about this city in and out. I had traveled from the east to the west coast, up north to down south, done a road trip, met a minor accident, got caught with cops, lost my senses, played tennis in temperatures as low as -10C, went walking during a winter storm, drove a dodge avenger on the roads of Detroit, felt the rain on New York Streets, the wind in Chicago and sea breeze in San Francisco. Of course there was a major part of the country I had not set foot into but the fact remained. I was as at ease taking a metro in NYC as I was doing the same in Delhi.

And still in spite of all the familiarity when I was told to come all the way here again, but on my own, it did make me reconsider, wonder whether I need to do this, whether I need to come all this way on my own. It's the safest place in the US of A, that's what many said, nothing to fear especially since I knew the people I'd be working with, I knew the routes and knew where to get what. But in spite of it all, staying for three months in the quietest place I had ever seen, with no friends and so far away from home? Now that was a question I had to ponder for long. And when I finally had been done with all my confusions, I decided to plunge into it, because I had always been the one ready to move out, explore new things and find out how more beautiful the world could be. I wanted to see how these mountains looked without the white paint on them. I wanted to walk on those streets without any winter jackets on. But most important, I wanted to gain the confidence that I could survive in a foreign land all on my own. I wanted to reassure myself that if I could travel half the world away from home and still enjoy, I could do anything in this world. I was independent, I was free, I was the girl I wanted to be. And though the fears inside me are still trying to pull me down I could lift myself up from them, show out that I was strong despite all the weakness within me, that I was here to win against all.

Like never before and guess never after

When i stepped out of my car in front of nuts n spices, little did i know what was awaiting us. Scared to park the car on the road for fear of it being noticed i stepped into her house to change my formal wear into something interesting. Amidst approvals from Miss Bewafa and Miss What's In, I made myself presentable and finally zoomed past the busy roads to our next destination. There was awaiting another car to take us to our destination or should I say destinations? From one end of the city we travel to the other end, whether it was to buy water or stationary. And then the first cake was cut on the side of a beach just like I always wanted. Maybe it would have been beautiful a lil more into the waters, but then still the same. I had a birthday buddy, sharing my same day but born a few years before and we reveled in all the attention we got. The journey later on was like on a travel through the clouds. The voices only got more nonsensical, the music louder, and the car faster. We don't remember how we got back to the place that we started, but we did know that the many destinations that we set foot on during the course of it. And whether i remember it or not, the pictures are there to remind me, of the freakishness that was last night. The globe that I dropped on the table, surprise being broken, "So are u really surprised?" asked for the nth time, 7 people in one car, non-blondes in a non-tinted car, the malliga-saaman list to "Mom"(He has a cool mother macha!), the 8 min and 8 month controversies, puking, puking and more puking, dancing with unknowns, unseens and the final kuthu for our kudumba kuthuvillakku. I now think how better could it have got, and I know it just couldn't get any better. When I woke up in the morning with a heavy weight on my head, I knew I had reached the limit. I had achieved it all and there was nothing more to it. I was finally over 23 and loving each moment. Looking back the year had been a first for so much in my life. So many ups and downs and confusions by the million. There was so much laughter as there were tears, so much confidence as there were fears. And I survived them all and still live today. It was the best befitting reply to a sexy, risky, ever filled with change year gone by. And it just could not have got any better.

Not just for bad times.

I loved writing. And especially more on paper than typing it down. Maybe I just loved seeing my handwriting on paper. But then it was an outlet for my feelings, more so the confused ones which I felt got more light when I wrote them all down. The positive, the negative and the neutral all blended in together, not to give me solutions but at least to make my heart lighter and mind clearer. But I took up the book only when I felt sad or lost. I always had people to spend it with when I was happy. There was not a moment when I felt great and had to suppress it within myself. So my blog never had the good things that touched. Reading it more seemed like I had only sorrows throughout leading to a wretched life, when that was just not true. I put that in because good times were shared with friends (not really Kingfisher) but the sad ones I preferred to keep it to myself and when they got too big for me, I wrote it all down. But now I feel just awesome. After what happened last night I really don't know if I can share it enough to get over it. And so here it goes. The first fun-loving post after string of sad ones. One that made me happy and a bit sad too.

Always there for me.

As I cried my heart out last night I wondered why that Messiah whom I always used to call out to suddenly left me alone. He was not there to console me as He always did, to hold me tight and tell me it would be alright, to quietly put me to sleep, to tell me He loved me more than anyone else ever could. I felt lonely, I felt lost. And taking up that cellphone I dialed the only person I could think of to pull me out this sorrow.

And he picked up the call. At 1 am in the morning when the whole world was deep in their dreams, in spite of all his weariness, he picked up my call. It was a just a hello that was needed, the feeling that my call was answered, that someone had made sure his ears were open for me, no matter what the hour is. That simple assurance was enough. He has not always been there for me, not when I wanted to tell him I got a job, when I wanted to throw a tantrum, when I simply wanted to say Hi. But he was there when I was hurt and had nowhere to turn to. And that's what I needed the most. He was older, wiser and knew relationship traumas and feelings more. He was able to sense my pain though I didn't know the words to express it in, he could feel my tears though I wasn't there before him. He knew exactly how I felt, what I thought. And with each word he said, I felt my sadness being blown away, just in a matter of some time.

Maybe I was wrong all along. My Messiah was there by my side. He told me whom to call when I needed it most. He knew what was best for me. And He led me to the green pastures, by the cool waters to soothe my mind as He always did.

When a friend turns stranger.

He looked so familiar, like someone I knew back in college, and so agreed all my friends. Though I was never interested in this tall, dark, wierdo and even had moments of snubbing and shunning between ourselves, destiny willed otherwise. It brought us together in a twisted, unforseen way and we started talking. And there began a series of late night talks trying to outdo each other, sharing so much and finding a lot in common. Long walks, night outs, spending more than half or all our time together and enjoying it, loving it, living it. I had some of the best moments I could ever imagine. Or was it all just an act? Was there ever something common that tied us together?

Now when I stand at a distance looking at that same someone, I feel all those cords had been broken somehow, but how, when and where. Without even me knowing about it. Now a person I knew from head to tail, each smile, each grimace, every emotion, has suddenly turned a stranger. A stranger in a land that was always colorful only because he lived in it too. In a land that has also turned harsher and bitter to me just as he has. A land that waits for every opportunity to put me down and tell me I'm not worth a dime. I feel all so lonely in foreign place missing the one person I loved as a friend, more than a friend. But where has he gone? Why does he not understand? Or is it my fault as it always seems to be?

The 50 days lent.

During my younger days this was just a terrible period every month when we had to say no to my favorite food items all for the love of Christ (as my mom had put it). I never knew why, what it meant, except the fear that if I didn't I probably may be cursed. Years later I did it voluntarily because I needed favors from him. I used to think that if I took this lent I would be blessed with this, that and all the worldly things I asked for. The child in me didn't know that God's love didn't work that way, and that all my blessings all through life was not because I refrained from eating animals! But because He loved me. Now that I'm past all of that, why do I still take it. Because I feel this is a reason for me to have control over stuff that he does not like. Because I know that if I can try and control it for 50 days at a stretch I can easily do that for 6 months, for a year and maybe for a lifetime. And that's the entire reason. To make me live the way He wants me to live, to follow the path He has laid out, to finally reach Him as His little princess. I'm not perfect. And I have not been able to control most things in this 10 days itself. I've lost control many times, but I'm trying. That's the whole big deal. To try and try till you succeed. After that there's no looking back. I might have understood the need for lent quite late in life. But I'm glad I did now. My needs are still selfish. It is so that I can be better. But then I'm sure now it matches with what my Lord above wants too.